L...O...V...E?

With Valentines Day in the rear-view mirror, I figure it's the right time to construct my post on romantic love.  What does being in love really look like?  How does one find the right balance between feelings and logic in relationships?  Most of us go through life with little to no guidance regarding relationships and just squirm around trying to figure it out as quick as possible with as few scars as possible.  I think there is a lack of spoken advice out there because few people feel they really have the answers to such things!  Fortunately, I do.  Here are the answers and advice we've all been anxiously waiting for.  Okay, maybe not.  But I have learned a few things that may be helpful for....

• ...the person holding on to an ideal.  You have a list detailing everything you want in a partner and you will settle for nothing less.  To you I say - take that list, carefully fold it up as small as you can, and flush it down the toilet!  There is NO ideal person to fit your every stinking desire. You will find a person who meets some of your requirements but never all.  Instead of trying to find everything you want and need in another, focus on growing to BE everything you want and go offer that to the world.

• ...the one who compromises core values and settles.  Ultimately you and your partner will end up feeling sick riding the up and down the waves of your emotions as you sacrifice your core standards for sentiment.  I don't care how good and right it feels - know your absolutes in a relationship and if they're lacking walk away.  Don't over analyze every angle and make excuses - thank the individual for their time in your life and move on.  You need to create a FEW absolutes for yourself when approaching relationships.  Understand and accept that these might change as you date and mature - roll with that.  But know what yours are presently and don't compromise.  If you don't know what yours are, talk to couples who have what you want or date around until you do.  You're not about to learn your relational absolutes by reading self help books alone in your basement.  Do you want kids?  Do they?  This might be a good starting point to finding your non-negotiables. 

• ...the one who seeks thrills.  Yes there is great excitement to be in a relationship with someone who brings mystery, intrigue, charisma and looks like they walked out of your dreams.  But take time to consider -  Will the thrills be enough when your family member gets sick and your partner is too busy recreating or socializing with friends to care?  How about when the bills begin to stack up because they possess the financial responsibility of a six year old in a candy shop?  Having some spark and thrills in a relationship is awesome but it's NEVER enough by itself.

• ...the one who leads with their head.  You have analyzed this person from every angle and can't find any logical reason to push them away despite your feelings.  You can't enjoy the warmth and glow of a blazing fire without first having a spark.  Pursuing a logical choice in relationships without some spark is like sitting around a pile of wood imagining what it would feel like if it were warm.  The thought might offer some comfort but it's greatly unsatisfying.  Each person carries a spark for someone and if that's not you, be kind to them and yourself - cut it off.

• ...the one who fights to make it work.  The beginning of a relationship is supposed to be relatively easy and fun!  If it's more work than fun within the first year - red light.

• ...the one who surrenders at the first sign of struggle.  You are a difficult person to be with.  Everyone is at some point - including you!  If you can't accept your own shortcomings you won't accept those of another.  If this is the case, you have some work to do on yourself before you can invite an intimate relationship into your life.  Every relationship at some point feels more like work than fun.  Be prepared to put the work in for the one who's willing to put it in for you.

• ....the one who juggles multiple relationships.  This is a great way to learn about what kind of person you want to date and what your absolutes are but don't get too involved if you're dating more than one person and be honest about your status with each person involved.  Eventually if you don't make a decision, the decision will be made for you and you'll be left standing alone with a loss of self-respect.

I know each of these people because at one point or another I've been each of them.  Presently I feel more prepared to show up for the right person at the right time than I ever have thanks to learned experiences in dating.  I'm grateful for the failed relationships and people that has helped me learn along the way.  I have inflicted wounds and received many myself.  That is the nature of opening your heart up.  I will never give up taking risks in love and I will always be open to finding it while finding contentment without.  Some of the best relationship advice given to me - "As long as you feel the need to be in a relationship to be happy you don't belong in one."


For a sappy and hopeful ending, I write this to...

• ...the one who wants to love me like I want to love you.  Thank you for being patient with me and my flaws.  You see me at my worst yet remember me at my best.  Thank you for being kind.  You continually consider how you would like to be treated and talked to and that is what is reflected to me.  Thank you for keeping no record of wrongs.  I have wronged you before but you don't remind me of it after we have worked through it.  You are so quick to forgive that your grace compels me to be better.  Thank you for embracing hope.  You see my potential and remind me of what I can become affirming my feeble steps towards the goal.  Thank you for persevering.  Your commitment to us is resilient and tenacious.  Thank you for trusting.  You give me the benefit of the doubt assuming the best rather than the worst about me.  Thank you for protecting me.  We bring others into our love but at the end of the day it's always you and I watching each others backs.

The Fuel That Drives Me to Become a PA

"Why do you want to become a PA?"

I have been giving this question some serious thought over the past couple of years since returning to school in effort to become a Physician Assistant.  Tomorrow is my final interview for graduate school at Arizona School of Health Sciences.  I'm stoked about the opportunity however have come to a point of acceptance that this is an extremely competitive process and I must be prepared to accept any outcome.

The reasons I have for wanting to become a Physician Assistant have three layers.  At the core, I desire to help disadvantaged populations.  I have traveled across the US and with teams to 6 different countries to provide aid to diverse populations.  As a result I have seen first hand the disparities that exist in wealth, familial support, and the access to affordable quality healthcare.  I desire my life to be a conduit that gives from what it receives.  I believe this is the way of nature and what allows us to truly find peace and fulfillment in our humanity.

At the next layer I have a passion for health - physical, mental, and spiritual.  These three facets of our health are so interconnected that it is often undetectable where one ends and the other begins.  I specifically desire a career in healthcare because of its universal applicability across all cultures and times.  As a healthcare provider there will always be a need that I can aid in filling no matter where I find myself.  Additionally I am passionate about science and find understanding the physiological inner-workings of our bodies miraculous. 

The final layer explains why I have chosen a healthcare career specifically as a Physician Assistant.  The PA profession is riddled with lateral mobility.  I can specialize in emergency care, family practice, surgery, psychology, and a host of other directions changing specialties throughout my career.  PA's are given a level of autonomy that is challenging and exciting to me yet they work under the supervision of a Physician.  I appreciate how the PA profession establishes a link in healthcare that promotes a team culture and coordination between providers.  Multiple minds working together generally yield better results than any man on his own.  Additionally the friends I have who are PA's love their profession and state that their career allows a good work/life balance with an income that is conducive to supporting a family.  As someone who desires to adopt and foster multiple children, this is essential. 

Unfortunately I am much less gifted at expressing myself through verbal communication so I appreciate your prayers as I attempt to communicate my thoughts in the interview tomorrow.  Ultimately there are a host of paths to achieving my passions and as much as I'd love the doors for PA to open this year, I'll carry forward the mantra of resilience - Adapt, Improvise, Overcome!

The Relevant Question That Silences All Others

The career roller coaster kicked into gear again.

Just two days ago I was telling a friend that if I don't get into PA school this year, I will reapply the following year.  I want this for many good reasons and I'm going to remain determined to get there.  Decisive.  Clear. We all admire decisiveness and clarity - it gives a sense of stability and concreteness to our own hidden and vulnerable sense of doubt and uncertainty.  The last couple years of my life have been full of attempting to find the delicate balance between embracing my own questioning and doubts while still having legs to stand on and move forward with.  I made it my birthday resolution (I do one each year instead of several at New Years) to embrace the ethic of decisiveness and follow through - an effort to regain my own rapidly eroding sense of direction.  Three things I chose to serve as the weights in my gym of decisiveness - dating, career, and spiritual family.

From the outside perspective - I've pulled it off.  Since my birthday in May... I went on a few dates and pursued only one inconspicuous relationship, I've kept my medical job and continued diligently in school working towards PA grad school, and I've remained invested in my spiritual family attending meetings regularly every week (unless the prior two commitments conflicted).  Congrats to me - I've fooled the outsiders.  But to you... those who know me best, I ain't fooling nobody!

I could write for hours about how my emotions and thoughts attached to dating and relationships have shifted and cycled on the daily - like riding in the hammerhead at the fairgrounds, leaving your stomach in knots.  We could head over to the tilt-a-whirl and discuss the nauseating cycles relating to my inner satisfaction and contentment levels with my spiritual family.  I'll withhold from all that for now and instead jump on the Excalibur of my career pursuits.

In 2010, I decided to forsake a career in medicine to pursue my deepest passions - supporting youth and playing in the wilderness.  In five years, I had bounced through 6 different jobs that had some predictably common variables - low pay, long hours, high stress.  I wanted, but failed, to find an organization that did three central things:

1) Develop REAL relationships with the staff and youth
2) Empower the staff and the youth
3) Never give up on an enduring commitment to support the staff and youth

Finally I threw my hands up and said if I can't find such a program, I'll make one!  It didn't take long to realize that I lacked two very important things to make such a vision a reality - money and the support of a counterpart/partner/spouse.  So what did I do?  I reached for both.  I found the one I would partner with and returned to school.  That relationship ended in flames of rejection that burned the "I give a shit about what others think" right out of my soul.  Additionally despite my die-hard commitment to academia and a thriving GPA, I've faced rejection from 4 graduate programs and am staring down the barrel of my final chance for this year's cycle.  I'm not alone - PA school is extremely competitive and the percent that get in on their first application cycle is dismally low.  Nonetheless, it causes me to pause and ask myself, "Is this REALLY what you want?"

The medical field is lucrative, poses a fantastic way to meet a legitimate need, and the science is truly fascinating.  If I'm honest, for me it's all of that -but the biggest reason is so I can get back to my deepest passions: supporting neglected youth and hanging in nature.  If I get accepted this year I'll be looking at 2-3 more years for school, and 3-4 years for paying off the bulk of debt.  Six years and I'll have some time and money to invest in my passions.  Not too bad....right?

Last summer I turned down a dream job guiding struggling youth through wilderness adventures with an incredible friend.  This summer I'm turning down a different job as a park ranger and adventure guide at another youth camp.  Why?  For school.  To remain decisive and committed.  To work towards long-term goals rather than the extreme temptation for immediate satisfaction.

Should I continue down the road of responsible commitment towards the medical profession in the hopes that someday I'll have the means to do what I'm most eager to accomplish?  Should I just forfeit the whole thing and keep searching for the job that meets my passions and supports my missional values?  Should I start a non-profit, embrace philanthropy, and start my own program as a single guy?  What if....what if... the answer is the same no matter what career path I take.  What if the commitment to these goals or lack there of isn't even the most important way to achieve them?  I'm not going to tidy the complexity of this article up into a nice feel good ending.  Many of us struggle to find the balance of pursuing our greatest passions boldly and fervently with living responsibly and practically.  We struggle to identify our deepest passions and then when we find them we struggle at how to attain their fulfillment.  Just as it's a journey to figure out what kind of relationship we want and then struggle to find it.  No easy answers here.  But maybe the true answer is found in the right question...

I have a passion for neglected youth because too many youth are neglected.  I have a passion for nature because it brings peace in a world of chaos.  This warrants THE question worth asking, "How do I grow in giving peace and loving relationship in my everyday life?"  This is an outside-in-inside-out process.  Receive it, experience it, give it.  Questions of career, relationship status, and even spiritual group become much less important here.  This is where the carnival ride tickets are useless. Yeah, it's a lot more manly to talk about the virtues of decisive bold actions of conquest with an unquestioning commitment.  I don't care that my culture defines a man who talks about peace and love as a weak hippie.  I want to practice and learn how to produce peace and love with our words and hands on the daily.  I decisively choose to let the creation of peace and love be my focus.  These are my two legs that I move forward on.  I have a LOT to learn about reflecting peace and love to those around me.  This is the highest education, the ultimate discovery, the ride that leaves you feeling better than when you got on. 

Life Track Log

If you have ever worked with a GPS you have probably become familiar with the Track Log feature.  When navigating, periodically you mark a "waypoint" which records your current location.  At the end of a trip, you can string together your waypoints to create a track log that documents your journey.  The new direction I am taking with this blog is to create waypoints that I can share with a specific and defined population - those loved ones who can appreciate and celebrate my personal location while recognizing it is not my destination.  I believe you are one of those people.  Thank you for being a free spirit, open mind, and loving heart that I can trust and find security in.  I hope you find me to be such a friend in your life. 

Last summer I was hiking with a group in Colorado up to a beautiful mountain lake. Upon reaching the emerald glacial pool I took in the magnitude of the scene and quickly shifted my gaze to the mountain summit which appeared only a short distance ahead. I told the group I was going to do a quick push towards the top and would make it back before their return decent. After 20 minutes of ascending steep scree fields I found myself in a saddle probably 600' below the peak.  I looked down at my group dotting the edges of the lake and determined that I should probably forsake pushing forward towards the top and return to the pack.  As I stood upon a boulder resting at the height of the saddle, my disappointment quickly shifted to a profound peace wrapped in the silence and isolation of the remote beauty.  I took deep rythmic breaths drawing in the cool mountain air saturated with fragrances of pine and mountain flowers.  After observing the incredible scene before me - standing between two turquoise lakes below, surrounded by distant mountain ranges back-dropped by a blue sky accented with puffy white clouds - I closed my eyes and continued to breathe slow and deep.  In this moment I heard the voice of Creator God grip my heart and speak a profound and much needed truth into my heart, "Know and appreciate your location, but never mistake it as the destination."  As I chewed on this statement, here what I squeezed out of the statement...

• There is a illusive and false idea that a destination exists in this life:  I have found myself.  I know God.  I have the truth.  I will arrive when... I get THE job; I get THE relationship; I get THE degree; I get THE house. These things may serve as significant way-points along my journey but they certainly are not the destination.  Thinking of such things as destinations keep us locked into the idea that happiness and peace will come after certain objectives are achieved; that there is a defined state of arrival.

• I don't want to fit the prescribed and arranged boxes created for me that keep my heart and mind locked in one place or mindset.  My relationship with and understanding of myself, God, and people in my life will continually change and grow.  Tomorrow may look very different from today.  I'm not scared about this - I'm excited about this!  Learning never stops.  Growth results.  Truth is discovered.  Change is embraced.  Life is an adventure!

• I might not be where I want to be in some aspect of my being or environment, but I can observe it, appreciate it and not judge it.  Just as a parent views their developing child, so God views me.  When I crawl and cannot stand - it's beautiful and accepted.  When I learn to stand, fall, and walk again - it's beautiful and accepted.  When I am a child awkwardly running as my coordination develops - it's beautiful and accepted.  When I walk confidently and proudly, when I trudge carrying the weight of the world - it's beautiful and accepted. 

• If I accept my present understanding and light as a destination, I miss the opportunity for further growth and lose my own authenticity and child-like heart that pushes me towards experimentation, discovery, risk, learning, and exploration.  This is a deep essence of being human!  Adulting does not mean I must forsake these innate virtues. 

Too much of my life has been composed of playing the songs written by others.  The music still carries beauty and may even profoundly touch the listener, but it lacks authentic emotion and leaves me disenchanted.  I have been freed to regain my sense of wonder at 30 and now I'm creating my own music.  It's not always understood and embraced by all just as any music style was received publicly - jazz, reggae, country, techno... but it's my music and it's honest!  Living in a world where there is so little that can be trusted, I am going to strive to be honest.  I'm done striving to be right, good, or accepted by squeezing into uncomfortable molds that I don't fit.  Instead I strive to just be honest.  With this, I acknowledge that many people are uncomfortable and can even become hostile towards this honesty.  I don't need to share all of it with everyone.  It is my music to protect, share, and create.  I hope you enjoy following my tracks as I create written way-points. I am eager to follow you in yours and maybe at times we will even find ourselves sharing the same path.  At times that we don't, I commit to striving to celebrate your journey while curiously and respectfully learning about new territory that I have not experienced.

Unconditional love is rare and sacred.  Thank you for being a person that helps me to believe it is real.  The way I see it, we each are a way-point plugged into the Global Positioning System - life on earth.  Together we create the track log that is humanity.  It is my prayer that at the end of my life, my waypoint will lead future generations into the beauty, peace, and freedom of the mountains.

From Machine to Man

The muscular shirtless man stands perched on the edge of the primitive wooden boat waiting for the whale to pass nearby.  He grips his spear tightly with both hands as his hunting crew sits in quite anticipation behind him.  The powerful whale pulls up near the surface of the water, the man leaps into the air off the bow, and in one powerful motion drops down onto the whale thrusting his spear into the back.  I sit in the comfort of my home watching the documentary in utter wonderment.  I stare at my computer screen and consider the shear risk facing these men as they undergo a risky and creative hunting ritual to provide food for their coastal village.  I put another bite of my processed, store-bought, microwavable dinner into my mouth as I observe this village gratefully make use of every morsel of their catch.  Something familiar stirs within me.  I recognize the feeling from my time living among a village in Chad, Africa and from my treks into the open desert of Utah.  I look down at my dog, my loyal companion and adventure enthusiast, who is looking longingly through the widows.  I join his stare and begin to drift into thought.

What has happened to the modern American man?  Where is the heroism, the adventure, the relationship with nature and his fellows?  What has become of me?  The culture around me seems gripped in the clutches of materialism and the pursuit of money, insurance, likes on social media, and entertaining themselves with technology.  Here I am returning to college in an urban mid-western town in pursuit of my own career offering financial security.  I remind myself that my pursuit of further medical training is an effort to obtain a practical skill that I can use to serve others and provide for a family someday.  Yet somehow, in the midst of studying, testing, papers, and paying rent - I feel separated from my adventurous human spirit.  I think of how I have been sucked into a life of meaningless clutter, relationship drama, and performing for the MAN.... instead of just being... being human... a man.

This is the catalyst I need.  Recently my truck leaf spring broke and this created a chain reaction of enlightening experiences that just climaxed in this moment as I stare with my dog out into the urban remnants of nature.  The break to my 98' Ranger's suspension was serious enough that I knew it needed fixed before I could drive again.  I spent the last week riding me bike everywhere around town.  It fed my soul something it had been missing.  I left me phone in class on Friday and had to spend the weekend without it.  This also fed my soul.  I called a mechanic who quoted me $1,000+ to make the necessary simple repairs.  I laughed and hung up realizing that my truck doesn't even hold the value of the repair.  Immediately I began thinking about the purchase of a new vehicle and how I would afford it.  Instead, I opted for plan B - I crawled under my truck with a hammer and some wire and did an amateur fix.   I drove the truck around town and found that it held.  I will now drive only when it's a necessity, otherwise I'll use my bike.  Major cash saved through a little labor and creativity.  Thanks dad.  Another soul feeding.

These combined experiences have led me to a soul-craving to become human once again.  This means simplifying and abiding in a deep connected relationship with nature, a physical community of people around me (not Facebook), and my Creator.  I commence this pursuit by cutting out all access from my life.  There is a movement emerging of people recognizing the same soul-craving and finding authentic happiness in pursuit of simplifying and returning to basics.  It's called Minimalism.  Like the two creators, I don't think minimalism is a fad or trend, but a way of becoming truly human again in an overstimulated, material, highly mechanized culture.  They put forth a 21-day plan for this process that I am committing to applying over the next few weeks.   I will document my journey here.

The 21 -Day Journey into Minimalism:   http://www.theminimalists.com/21days/

An Urgent Understanding

 This may be the hardest post I will ever write and probably the most important.  While I'm about to highlight some deeply personal and sensitive truths, this blog post is not about me.  I'm a single person, on a short journey through this life with with a very narrow position in time and space.  With it, I must give back and contribute to the betterment of the world around me wherever possible.  This is my purpose in writing.  Thank you for reading and I ask that you proceed with an open heart and mind. This may challenge you and it is challenging for me, but this is one of those instances that I deeply believe - hard IS good.

Another life lost.  Last week a good friend of mine lost a student to suicide.  Then yesterday I received news of yet another young person that took her own life.  When I received the news I was rocked to the core.  A familiar tightness gripped my chest as I asked the question to which I deeply felt I already knew the answer.  "Why?  Was there any indication as to what she was up against that drove her to such a bleak encounter with fear and pain?"  As I listened to the response, the words I had predicted, broke through the ear piece of my phone - "She was deeply struggling with her sexuality."

Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual, queer... each of these labels have one thing in common - sexuality that deviates from the norm.  Most often when a person begins to recognize this deeply personal challenge, they are ostracized, feared, guilt ridden, and shamed.  I know a lot about this.  Not just because I have worked with dozens of youth facing this deep inward struggle.  Not just because my sister is gay and has openly shared with me difficulties from her journey.  But because I myself have faced a silent inward battle over my sexuality since I was a young child.  I'm not bursting out of a closet here waving a rainbow colored flag and demanding your approval of my inward deviant attractions.  I'm not even here to define my sexuality or explain to you how I plan to move forward with it in my life.  What I am here to do is to put forward a sincere plea - listen.  Listen to what I have to say and do your best to lay aside preconceived ideas and opinions.  Not so I can manipulate, shift, or support your political and religious views.  Not so I can draw your sympathies, attention, and approval for myself.  I ask that you listen only for this purpose - I am sharing this journey of being human with you and from the deepest recesses of my being I have a message to share that just might save the life of someone you know.

Consider your own sexual leanings.  What are you truly sexually attracted to?  Not just gender, but what personality traits, mannerism, body type, style, features, etc.  Really think about what core aspects of a partner you are physically drawn to.  Consider the strength of these attractions as a teenager.  You don't have to tell me, after all it's none of my business.  Just know for yourself.  Now wipe away everything you have ever been told about right and wrong attraction, just for a moment, and imagine hearing these 7 messages spoken to directly to you by your family, friends, church, and/or peers.

1. What you are attracted to is wrong.  It's different from what it's supposed to be.  You're different from what you're supposed to be.  You're a disgusting freak.
2.  Either change your attractions or hide them because it really makes people uncomfortable.  If you don't hide them, then I won't associate with you.
3. Wait...you're attracted to tall people?  I'm tall.  You must be attracted to me.  Um, this is awkward.  I'm not sure we can be friends now.  I don't like you that way.
4.  You're not welcome here.  You're dangerous.  God has said so himself.
5. We need to understand what has caused you to develop these abnormal attractions.  Genetics?  Childhood trauma?  Maybe the persuasion of your peers, culture, or media?  What causes someone to be intimately attracted to the type of person you're drawn to?  Let's get to the root.  
6. I accept you as a person but not your lifestyle.  Yes, that's right - pursuing relationships with those you are romantically drawn to puts you in a lifestyle class.  I reject that class.  I don't agree with it.
7. I recognize that what you are attracted to is unnatural and wrong.  But I am reasonable and loving, so I'll accept you under one of two conditions.  You remain single, or you move forward into an intimate relationship with someone who you're not intimately attracted to. 

How do you feel?  Bad enough that you could imagine that it would be easier just to not exist?  These messages are sent out all around us continually to those who silently struggle with their own attractions.  Hide and feel separated from your authentic self, or be seen and rejected.  This is too often the choice that is presented.

Next  I could spend time sharing research, experiences from the lives of those I have listened to, or share my own opinions.  Instead I'll do my best just share from my experience as I address each of the 7 messages above.  Re-read the numbered statement above and then read my response for the corresponding number below.

1. I can't control what my body is attracted to.  It's not right or wrong - it just is.  I like apples, LOVE peach pie, and don't care for  carrots.  Now, I have to be responsible with my tastes but they're not inherently right or wrong.  I might not want to eat a great deal of peach pie as that will make me sick and I probably should eat carrots once in awhile if I want good eye sight.  What I like does not have to rule me, but it is a significant part of me.
2. Some people have experiences of their physical attractions changing but that doesn't apply to me.  When it comes to my sexuality and tastes of what I'm physically attracted to in a person - I knew it long before I really understood what sex and sexuality was.  Some aspects have changed but to a large degree it has remained pretty consistent, even when the most rigorous of efforts were put forth to make changes.
3. For me, there is a very narrow range of people that I find myself physically attracted to.  Just because someone possesses a few of the physical traits I lean towards desiring does not mean that I can't be around them without thinking about intimacy.
4. I believe in a creator God who is the source of love, truth, and peace.  I know many people in all religions who believe that God has appointed them the special messenger to inform the world of what he morally approves or disapproves of.  For me, I have found the Bible to be helpful and read it recognizing the limitations of language and the cultural context of many passages are very different from the cultural context of today.  I also recognize that many Bible scholars do not agree how to translate passages and there exist a wide array of scriptural interpretations from respected scholars within Christianity.  (Check out the video link at the end of this post).
5. I am currently taking a genetics course and find that the vast majority of our tastes, thinking, and behavior are complex combinations of multiple genes and our environment.  As an analytical type, I have gone to great lengths to understand the source of my attractions and have found no tidy answer.  Understanding why I gravitate towards a particular taste on any level is extremely complex and multi-faceted.  I was blessed to grow up in a loving home where I never encountered any form of abuse.  I have learned in genetics that mutations regularly occur from our parental DNA during development which cause people to deviate from norms in all aspects of our being.
6. I have shifted into many different "lifestyles" in my lifetime - conservative Seven-Day Adventist, agnostic, non-denominational Christian, adventurous, college, American, African, etc.  Each of these carry a culture of their own.  However, I have found no "lifestyle" that goes with a particular set of physical attractions any more than I have found a lifestyle for right-handedness.  Media has caused me to accept a false notion to the contrary.  
7. A basic human desire is for intimacy.  To be vulnerable and fully share ourselves emotionally and physically with another human being.  I certainly experience this and always have.  I have attempted a relationship where I felt little to no physical attraction and found it very destructive to the relationship and both of us emotionally.  I will not do this again for the sake of the person I am with and their own valid interest in feeling desired and cherished.  I have also found that healthy physical attraction and intimacy grows from a place of deep emotional connectedness when there is some initial attraction to build upon.

To bring it home, relationships and physical attraction are extremely diverse.  If someone is taking advantage of another who is weak or ignorant we need to raise our voices against this.  Relationships involving two consenting adults can not be compared to child molestation.  When youth are working through their sexuality, the best we can offer is unconditional love and support and regularly communicate that we are a safe place where this is being offered.  We don't have to agree with certain types of relationships (such as homosexual) but it is false and ignorant to believe that everyone who expresses or acts on attractions outside the heterosexual norm just chooses this "lifestyle" to rebel against society, their parents, or religion.  There is a deep battle raging inside many who feel their community rejects what they so intuitively experience internally.  We can save a life by listening, loving unconditionally, and embracing two simple truths -

We can never understand someone until we walk a mile in their shoes.

Your actions speak so loudly I cannot hear a word you say.

What will your words and actions convey to the people around you who are experiencing deep inward turmoil as they seek to be authentically themselves yet long to be accepted, loved, and validated by their community, family, and friends?  This is an important question I must repeatedly ask myself.



Helpful resources:

https://www.peacefirstchallenge.org/injustices/lgbtq-rights/?gclid=CjwKEAjwtbPGBRDhoLaqn6HknWsSJABR-o5sxNPkzm9NA-21Wb_z1z8HtShD5XgpjBLfmplJ_UYw2BoCFH3w_wcB
(supporting struggling youth)

https://www.bbbs.org/
(youth mentoring program)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hc45-ptHMxo
 (understanding cultural pressures on boys and men)

 http://www.enoughroomfilm.com/?_ga=1.190815912.2056881280.1485490320
(faith and sexuality in Christianity)

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2603520/
(advice for parents from a medical standpoint)

Empower With a Mission

When was the last time you met anyone who spends their days sitting in front of a TV screen, and thought, "Wow, that is one happy person!"  Yet sadly, many of today's youth we find hidden behind glaring screens, madly pecking and swiping at their phones, and tuning out the world with buds in their ears and controllers in their hands.  It's easy to blame our overindulgent American culture on Hollywood or the addictive nature of video games.  The real problem though is obvious and distressing - the adults are checking out.  We have allowed ourselves to become too busy, distracted, and irresponsible in the things that matter most.  Thousands around the world have purchased an electronic babysitter to entertain and raise their children.  As a result we are raising up a generation of young people who perceive that there are no great needs beyond updating electronic devices to the latest versions.  Even if needs are noticed, few teenagers truly believe there is really anything they can do to better the world other than offer a few dollars to a beggar, or altruistically accept a friend request from a social outcast.   

I believe the solution is to empower our young people with an ethic of service.  Real dirty, difficult, heart-wrenching and heart-warming service.  When a teenager learns that there is a real need in the world and that they have the ability to meet those needs, purpose and meaning is restored.  When I worked with Outward Bound Omaha, I co-led a two-week Youth Service Leadership Project.  The 13 youth from all over the US slowly arrived at our base to pack for out trip.  One by one they arrived, sat down, and pulled out their electronic devices to pass the time.  We eventually had them turn over their electronics and fill out a pre-course evaluation.  On these evaluations they were told to rate on a scale of 1-10 how deep was the sense of purpose and meaning their lives held.  The numbers were distressing:  consistently the numbers were marked with a 2 or 3.  Then we set out.  They learned to navigate a river in canoes, scale a rock wall, and most importantly to see a real need and do something about it.  We took them to food banks in the slums to see how many low-income families struggle to put nutritious food on the tables in their homes.  Then we took them to several community gardens and local farms who were working to provide fresh vegetables to those in poverty.  These 13 students spent time in the fields learning to harvest corn and green beans.  Next they had the opportunity to deliver the goods to food banks and assist with distribution.  On our post-course evaluations students were asked to again rate their personal sense of purpose and meaning.  In just two weeks their numbers had skyrocketed to 8's and 9's!

For a person to discover, develop, and use their abilities to serve the world it takes intentional, consistent, compassionate, and empowering mentorship.  Let's lay aside our distractions and play this role in lives of our youth today.  They may not respond immediately and that's where the next step is crucial... NEVER GIVE UP.   More on this final principle later.

Develop a REAL-ationship

I have searched long and hard for how to reach out to a youth in a way that will make a lasting difference in his or her life.  I've met many people with a similar desire who try to connect yet feel they are pushed away or rejected in their efforts - teachers, parents, pastors... people who have a genuine desire to leave a lasting impact in a young person's life yet feel that they lack the skill or knowledge to do so.  Through my education, job exerience, and a fair share of blunders, I believe I have learned the key elements to accomplishing this.  The best part is - it's very simple and even enjoyable.  I believe we can over complicate this so much!  We don't have to know about the latest video games, have a psychology degree, or a ton of experience working with youth.  I share this not as an expert or a superior in the realm of psychology or youth outreach.  I share it as a young man with a deep and persistent burden to reach out to our youth and a fierce commitment to making this my life work.  Before I share, here a brief background on my experiences:

I have worked with numerous and diverse groups of teens in the past 4 years and feel that these experiences have taught me some significant lessons.  I graduated from Union College in 2011 with a degree in IRR: Human Services and Counseling.  Since then I have worked with inner-city youth in Nebraska with Outward Bound Omaha, school groups at Camp Wawona in Yosemite National Park, foster youth at Meramec Adventure Learning Ranch in Missouri, juvenile offenders with CEDARS in Lincoln, NE, and now I work as an assistant boys dean at DayStar Adventist Academy in Moab, Utah.  I have also mentored youth through Big Brothers Big Sisters, Teammates, and church youth groups.  I have never had my own kids - biological or adopted.  Until I do there are many aspects of parenthood I will never fully grasp.  I have great respect for those of you that have taken this responsibility on, especially those who have committed themselves to a child who is not your own!

So here are my thoughts organized into a three part acronym called D.E.N.  I will highlight the first letter "D" here and share the rest in a future post.  "D" stands for Developing a Real-ationship (or real relationship).  Stop and think about what relationships in your life mean the most to you and why.  Seriously, stop for a minute and really reflect on this, maybe even write it down before continuing here....

Okay, I'm going to guess that, like me, the most profound and meaningful relationships in your life have the following characteristics -

1)  The person has taken time to get to know who you really are.  They have taken an interest in your interests.  They have asked questions to learn about your life, thoughts, goals, and opinions.

2)  Your relationship has an element of fun.  You can laugh together and play together.  You have shared interests and are able to table the deep discussions and just take time to enjoy being in each others presence.

3)  You feel your differences are seen and accepted.  Sure you both may not agree on your music tastes, political views, or which team is going to win the Superbowl.  It doesn't matter.  The point is not to be replicas of one another but to respect each others individuality and find humor in the differences.

Now we translate each of these into our relationships with the youth -

1)  Am I taking time to get to know who he/she really is?  Sure, he probably will not open up to me about his deepest feelings and thoughts at first but would I?  I must take time to establish trust and show interest in getting to know the young person.  Too often we are tempted to rush in and throw all kinds of advice and instruction at a teenager before any relationship is built!  I need to take time to just ask questions and listen without throwing in all my percieved wisdom and counsel.  I know this is hard for many good-intentioned adults and is personally one of my biggest struggles in relating.  It is essential though to build trust!  I can speak the wisdom straight from God but if there is no relationship built it will fall on empty ears.  If I discover he skate boards, I can ask to attend one of his competitions and cheer him on.  I could even ask him to teach me how (at the risk of looking like a fool as I kick the board out in front of me time and again fallling on my rear...).  I can also find something unique about him or her and turn it into an affirming nickname... probably not pinhead, boy of marshmellow, or pooper - I think only my dad could get away with this.

2)  Enjoy the relationship!  I must take time for us to have fun together and let myself be a kid again.  This is the best part of working with youth!  As adults we can become too serious and forget how to laugh and play - let them remind us.  I've heard some folks balk at this stating that they are seeking to be a mentor and guide - not the best friend.  It's true, we have to set appropriate boundaries at times and we ocassionally have to act as an authority in their lives.  However, I have ALWAYS found that a youth respects an adult MORE if the adult has taken time to develop a real meaningful relationship through playing.  The head dean I work with at DayStar recently had a discussion with the boys after they all decided to invest in Nerf guns to have dorm wars in the evenings.  He sat them all down and said sternly, "These Nerf guns are not to become a distraction from the main reason you're here and interfere with your evening responsibilities.  If they do, it will be end of Nerf guns in the dorm.  Now, with that said, you better get ready cause I got myself a Nerf gun today and the war is on!"

3)  Lets be honest - most of us adults come at youth with a motive to help shape them into the young man or woman that we think they should be.  Is this the same way we build healthy and lasting friendships with our peers?  While it is okay and important that I mentor and guide the youth by sharing my experiences, knowledge, and opinions - I MUST remember, they are MY experiences and opinions!  No matter how much of an inside track I feel that I have to life's secrets and greatest truths, I need to remember that I can not effectively guide someone by telling them that my beliefs need to become theirs.  I have NEVER seen this approach work with anyone of any age and it certainly does not work for me.  I must give them space to question and disagree.  When I hear an opinion I want evidence (usually shown by actions), I want to hear personal experiences, and then be FREE to DECIDE for myself.  Teenagers want to same freedoms as you and I.  I do believe in absolute truths, and I'm not arguing for relativism.  However, I realize that sharing personal experience and allowing someone to disagree and question is an expression of love and respect for that person.  Giving someone freedom to disagree is usually more convincing that presenting the attitude that the other person MUST accept your ideas or they are ignorant or rebellious.

More to come...

Write or Wrong

Sometimes I think about writing and then all of these thoughts starts swirling through my head about topics that are heavy on my mind and heart.  I pick at one, look it over, and then try to grab another as it swims by.  Then I begin to think about the connections between the two thoughts and just as I'm about to have them nicely tied together, another thought begins to circle me.  I pick that one up too.  And another.  Oh, that reminds me... then another.  Before I know it I have all these thoughts that I'm trying desperately to hold onto and quickly try to place priority on the most important, relevant, and captivating thought.  I then realize that I'm holding on to far too many topics - connecting them all would be like trying to construct a symmetrical web out of a mess of tangled threads.  I decide that right now I just don't have time to sort through them all, isolate one, and present it in a way that is comprehensible.  With this realization I drop all the topics on my mind, realize there is now something else I need to be doing, and walk away resolving to come back and try again another day.

This is why my posts have month gaps between them.  This is why I have so much to say this morning but can not arrive at a starting point for I can't foresee a tidy ending. Any suggestions from my fellow blogger / writers out there?

Little Things Matter

The tender-hearted teenage boy longs for affirmation and a place of belonging as his peers ridicule him for his heightened maturity and sensitivity.  I place my hand on his shoulder and share with him that he is gifted as a silent leader, blessed with a quick conscience and a deep love for others.

I'm struck with doubt that my words and time will mean anything tomorrow.

You invited me into your home, looked me in the eye with sincere concern, and asked, "How's your courage my friend?"

I press forward and look UP.

A young woman turns to her drug again after a substantial period of sobriety and contemplates taking her life.  I pray for her and contact a friend who can relate requesting her to speak with with the discouraged woman.

I question whether anything I did will help.

You boxed up and set aside a lunch for me today when you noticed I was held up in a work meeting.

I press forward and look UP.

The 8-year old boy with a brain tumor needs words of hope as he counts down his days on one hand.  I pray with a group of others telling God that I do not understand his ways and request a miracle.

I feel discouraged and angry.

You noticed I was stressed and prayed that I would find peace today.

I press forward and look UP.

A young man grows discouraged as he feels he doesn't quite measure up to draw the attention of the girl he loves.  I smile with empathy and assured him that he has a lot to offer the right woman at the right time.

I grow distracted wondering if I could believe such counsel.

You invite me for a walk and point out the beauty surrounding us.

I press forward and look UP.

The charitable couple passionately dedicate their lives to serving others while feeling torn as their own family suffers a deficit of time, money, and energy.  I tell them what an inspiration they are and plan a special dinner.

I wonder whether a person can give too much, questioning the value of service.

You baked fresh cookies and told me that you need my help eating them.

I press forward and look UP.

A beautiful young woman struggles to believe that anyone could love her unconditionally after numerous scaring relationships.  I  attempt to assure her that she is a dear friend that is greatly loved by many.

I feel sick thinking of how I may have scared others and fear that my loving words have fallen cheap.

You sent me a text today saying that you miss me and are have been thinking about me.

I press forward and look UP.

Pivot Point Appology

Have you ever had a day that you look in the mirror with disgust at what you see?  A moment you're punched in the gut with the reality that you are not the person you want to be?  Perhaps painfully pricked with the notion that what you hate most really resides within your own members?

Today I found myself caught up in a bitter bought of loneliness with a feeling of dissatisfaction I could not shake.  I was feeling dissatisfied with my co-workers, my friends, my family, my relationships in general.  Basically feeling, "Why is no one in my life what I need and want them to be."  I found myself thirsting for meaningful companionship but feeling as if it lay beyond my grasp.  After wasting nearly an hour alone in my room consulting my Facebook friend index with a red-eyed squint at a feeble attempt to connect with others, I vented my frustrations to Google with the following lamentation, "I feel like I am being challenged by no one."  At first glance, it appeared Google completely missed my point and was going to be of little help with the off-topic search results.  However one result loomed off the page and I hesitantly clicked and read...

Narcissistic Relationships: Perils of Loving a Narcissist - PsychAlive

Following this reading, I was struck with a gruesome and vividly clear picture - I quite possible have narcissistic tenancies.  No, I DO have narcissistic tendencies.  Maybe I have avoided showing it's ugly head to some, but there's no hiding our defects from ourselves.  This realization first caused me some fist pounding frustration, then some somber contemplation, and finally, an inspiring resolution - I am going to do all I can to break free from these self-focused, life sucking, people pounding ways of thinking and behaving.  My first step to escape is clear - an apology.  I believe formulated apologies are cheap unless followed with action.  So my hope is formulate an authentic apology here and begin to take steps of action to back it up.

To all my dear friends, family, and co-workers:

There have been times that I treated many of you unfairly, acting as if my own thoughts, feelings, and agenda were more important than your own.  Many times I have been so obsessed with trying to do things well and be the best, that I have had little energy left to direct towards your words, accomplishments, and ambitions.  I have been unfairly critical of myself and have transferred this critical attitude upon you and our relationship.  I have come to you in times of need, frustrated that you could not provide me the affirmation and justification for my own inflated sense of self-importance.  I have often shown you the most love when you were fulfilling a personal need I was carrying, and have been flippant with you when my needs were being met elsewhere.  On several occasions I may have left you feeling poor about yourself by failing to see you for you and responding in love and empathy.  As a result, I regrettably have missed experiencing the full depth of who you are and seeing clearly all that you have to offer.  I was wrong, and I ask for your forgiveness and honest communication with me if you should feel me responding to you in such a way again.  

It not my intent to be over dramatic and I'm sure people will read this who need not and people who need to read it may miss it.  However, I know the first step to change is getting honest with myself and this is my expression of doing so.  I do not loath myself so please do not feel sorrow for me or worry about my sense of self-worth.  I know that I belong to a loving God who takes me as I am - defects and all.  I commit to taking myself and the people in my life in the same manner. 

I feel this has been a bit of a heavy post - next time I think I will have to document something simple and trite from my life...perhaps a musing on pocket lint...  ;)

Power Struggles

Sitting at home sick eating hot soup and watching a movie.  Work phone begins to ring.

-RING, RING
"Hello, this is Jason."
"I know you're out driving around so come get me from school."
"Jake, what do you need me to get you from school for?"
"I'm out.  The school day is over."
"Okay... why are you callling me to pick you up."
"Because we're meeting today and I want you to get me from school so I don't have to walk home."
"Well Jake, I'm home sick and we will not be meeing today."
"Oh, uh, well, it's whatever." -CLICK


Talking with an older man later this evening, discussing how to fix an ant infestation...

He begins -
"Sugar doesn't actually work to attract ants, they just go around it."
"Well if you use fake sugar, like Sweet n' Low, it will take care of them.  They eat it and it poisons them."
"I don't think so.  They actually don't like sugar."
"Oh, well maybe it depends on the type of ants.  I worked maintenance at a camp and that is what we used to take care of them.  We put Sweet n' Low packets all over and it took care of them within a day's time.  It was pretty cool!"
"That's because they just went around it."

I walk away, smiling as I recall vaccuming up piles of dead ants following the Sweet n' Low treatment.


Why do people get into power struggles?  A lack of personal value.  If I do not value myself already, I must prove my value and worth by attempting to dominate others and have power over them.  I'm sure at times when I feel low, insecure and hurt I have been guilty of initiating a power struggle.  To be honest though, most days I see very little motivation in attempting to overpower another for the sake of an ego boost.  It makes me feel like a 5 year old.  Yet another reason I have to be greatful that I have a God who places great value upon me that no one can take away.

The best way I have learned to deal with power struggles with others who are intitiating them?  Don't participate, walk away, end the conversation, move on.  A struggle only exists when two people are pulling against eachother.

Just a thought I had to put out there.

Strengths Perspective

Drawing a deep breath of satisfaction, I stand in the parking lot gazing upward upon the big red neon letters - ACE.  Smiling I dawn my red vest with pride and pin on my name tag bearing the inscription, "Jason - Yard Laborer."  This was my first REAL job - W2, I9's and all.  It was my final year at Chino Valley High and I had made the exciting step into the working class.

Whistling, I walked through the store towards the back greeting my co-workers as I passed, "Hey Bob, good to see ya!... How ya doing Jim?... Good morning Erica - the coffee smells great!"  I grab a Styrofoam cup, poor myself a freshly brewed cup of Joe, and head out the back door.  I'm greeted by the familiar and wonderful scent of freshly cut lumber. I head towards the sound of a rumbling diesel engine springing to life and see my supervisor Matt dismounting the fork lift.  "Hey Jason, I need you to take those pallets of fire logs to the front of the store."  I quickly down the last bit of coffee and climb onto the driver’s seat.  "You remember how to run that thing now, don't ya?"  "Yeah, I got it boss!"  I disengage the e-brake, stretch my leg out to compress the clutch and yank the stubborn stick into 1st.  The beast roars to life and I raise the forks slightly as I spear the first pallet.  I tilt the forks back, elevate, kick it in reverse, spin around and head to the front of the store in one slick motion.  Cruising up to the store front I pause to make sure no customers are in the target zone.  Stacked neatly in front of the store is one full pallet of fire logs.  I raise the forks up and prepare to drive the new pallet right on top, closing the distance with a confident speed - 10 ft...8 ft....6 ft.....4 ft.....bang!  I'm startled by the noise and horrified i gaze upward along the fork beam to see the overhanging roof.  My gut churns as I notice the big red 'A' in ACE has now been slightly disfigured.  In a panic I glance around and see that no one but me and God is aware of my mishap. 

Eventually, I summon the courage to make the walk of shame upstairs towards the manager's office.  Dave opens his office door to my timid knock and welcomes me in with a premature smile.  With sweaty hands and a trembling voice I precede to retell the horrid incident.  Dave looks at me sternly and states, "Well, you're right, that's not good news."  Prepared for the worse I state in desperation, "Whatever it costs for a new sign you can take straight out of my paycheck."  With a slight chuckle, Dave says with a smirk, "It would take A LOT of paychecks to replace a sign like that."  Dave agrees to take a look at it and thanks me for reporting the incident to him.  My stomach lives in my throat for the remainder of the shift.  At the days end, I head to the mail boxes to fill out my timesheet.  Inside my box I find a sealed envelope with my name on it.  Expecting a bill or letter of termination I slowly opened the paper and read:


Dear Jason,

I was very impressed with you for reporting to me immediately following the incident with the sign.  Accidents happen and it means a great deal that you honestly owned up to me for your mistake.  You are a true man of integrity and this will take you far in life.  It's a privilege to have you working for us here.

Sincerely,
Dave

...............................................................

Driving down the road, I can quickly spot drivers who need a little education from the Department of Jason.  At the end of the day I can take inventory of the people who acted foolishly or wronged me in some way - the bag lady who failed to protect my bananas, the postman who failed to deliver my package on time, or the dude who stole my pull up bar at the gym.  It's easy to do this with myself too - I can look at my to-do list and fret over the two out of 15 items that I didn't get crossed off.  I can say a dozen intelligent things in a day’s time (on a good day) yet the foolish remark that escaped is too often one I'm replaying in my head.  When playing cards I might play 8 good hands, but the one hand I lose the game over is often the one that leaves me bitter. 

How about at work?  This is where the game gets serious.  I work with struggling youth who are told daily, "You are a liar," "You are so lazy," "I can't deal with you anymore." "You're failing math," "Why can't you EVER get to your classes on time?"  Where are the voices that say, "I know it wasn't easy but you told me honestly that you were sent to ISS - I'm proud of you for telling me,"  "You walked out of the class instead of hitting the teacher - I'm proud of you for controlling your anger,"  "You turned in half of the job applications - good job for taking action and showing initiative,"  "You have put a lot of hard work into studying for Science and you're now passing!  I know you can do the same for English when you set your mind to it," or "You passed your first drug test!  Way to go!"

I want to strengthen this voice within me and use it to speak to you and all those around me.  This is called a strength based approach.  I have many strengths.  Some of them are - patient, good communicator, thoughtful, creative, adaptive, determined, adventurous and loyal.  Take some time to write yours out.  Yeah, I've got my work cut out for me on areas to improve but when I focus on what I am doing well with it gives me courage to continue the fight and fuel to keep trucking.  If I'm constantly focused on the things I'm not doing well with - it creates complacency, laziness, hostility, anger, and isolating behaviors.  People that keep me focused on my faults and shortcomings have no room in my life.  If I have a critical eye on me the same eye turns around and glares at the world. 

This doesn't mean that I walk around ignorant of my faults or pretend not to see the faults of others.  It certainly does not mean I reach a point where I am faultless and incapable of admitting my shortcomings.  It only means that I spend more time focusing on the good that I have accomplished and the good that others around me are achieving.  What is fed with attention is nourished and finds longevity.

I'm grateful for the people in my life that have sought to stand by my side and have focused on my successes when it was easier to see my failures.  Most of all I thank you God for teaching me about grace with myself and others - this is a concept I will forever continue to strive to fully grasp and reflect more clearly each day.  I must also specifically note, this rant was inspired by a discussion with a fantastic lady who I am privileged to call my girlfriend.  Thank you Julie for your time, wisdom, patience and chosen joy. J



"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." -Philippians 4:8

“Then Jesus entered and passed through Jericho. Now behold, there was a man named Zacchaeus who was a chief tax collector, and he was rich. And he sought to see who Jesus was, but could not because of the crowd, for he was of short stature. So he ran ahead and climbed up into a sycamore tree to see Him, for He was going to pass that way. And when Jesus came to the place, He looked up and saw him, and said, ‘Zacchaeus, make haste and come down, for today I must stay at your house.’ So he made haste and came down, and received Him joyfully. But when they saw it, they all complained, saying, ‘He has gone to be a guest with a man who is a sinner.’ Then Zacchaeus stood and said to the Lord, ‘Look, Lord, I give half of my goods to the poor; and if I have taken anything from anyone by false accusation, I restore fourfold.’” And Jesus said to him, ‘Today salvation has come to this house, because he also is a son of Abraham; for the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost’” (Luke 19:1-10).

As far as my first job goes... the 'A' might have been busted but I did a good job at missing the 'C' and the 'E'!  A co-worker repaired it with masking tape for me and the boss man gave me a raise the following week. ;) 

The Gym

I struggle to force my foot into the already laced bright orange running shoe, thinking once again how ridiculous they look.  I purchased them online at a discounted price for obvious reasons.  As I struggle to squeeze my wide foot into the stubborn mouth, I again reprimand myself for refusing to tie and untie my shoes with each use - a bad habit that has followed me since 5th grade.  I scan the long row of lockers, searching for an open one that poses the greatest inconvenience.  I throw my stuff inside, lay some underwear on top as a deterrent and slam it shut..  It's really about time I get a lock.  I check my pockets to make sure I have the worn index card bearing my workout routine.  Dodging the naked guy exiting the showers, I walk out and commence my workout.  

I grab some water from the fountain, glance at my index card, and begin the search for an open barbell.  As my workout progresses I notice my muscles becoming more and more tense.  Not tense from the exertion but from something entirely different.  It seems every gym has them, they're always there, and learning to co-exist with them is half the battle of the workout...

THE GR-UH!-NTER

Okay, so I understand the importance of deep breathing during repetitions but is it necessary to make the whole gym aware of what rep you're on?  If your weights are so heavy that they are causing you to expel a Spartan war cry with each lift, maybe kick it down a notch.  When people are falling off treadmills on the other side of the gym out of fear, and a desk worker in the lobby comes running with a med bag... might consider developing a new breathing strategy.  

THE DEAF BLIND THEIF

Asking if you want to work in between sets is fine - but don't nab a guys station the minute he gets up, readjust all the weights, and then just sit there between sets admiring your reflection.  I workout using supersets, as do a lot of people today.  Supersetting is a training method in which you do two exercises, one after the other, with no rest in between.  However there always lurks some guy who's mission is to destroy your chances of completing your routine.  He's usually the one tuning out everything around him with the music thumping in his ears.  It's not until you stand directly between him and the mirror, wave your arms and yell,"CAN I FINISH?!"  that he snaps back to reality and says, "Oh, were you using this?"   

THE CHUCK NORRIS

Hey, I'm using the same weight.  Can I work in with you? - "Ha ha, naw, this is just my warm up." 

Maybe it is just your warm up - but I still resent you for it. 

THE TALKER

Um, I hate to interrupt your discourse on how terrible our President is doing and how his fiscal policies are creating a worldwide economic crisis that is going to lead to WWIII ending the existence of modern mankind while the machines take over.... but can I grab those 35s behind you?  I go the gym to workout.  Some people go to socialize and that's fine.  But at least do it in a place where you're not impeding the flow of the crazy few who are trying to compete a workout.  Also, please don't try to talk over the Spartan on the squat machine... you won't win.

Simplicity vs Adventure

I feel torn between worlds... not really living in either, but existing in a sort of mid-western limbo land.  I have one foot standing inside a door of adventure, travel, unpredictability, and conquest.  This is where I find myself contemplating joining the the Coast Guard, applying for jobs in other countries, or pursuing my medic license while enrolled in a police academy somewhere near Lake Tahoe.  I want adventure and physically demanding challenges.  People say, "this is the time in your life to do that!  Young, single, few commitments, go for it!"  I've already traveled and moved more in the last four years than many do in a lifetime.  It's held challenging, yet amazing experiences - I want more!  I want to explore the rest of the 24 states that I've never visited, try various jobs out while adding more diversity to my interests, and ever challenging myself to live outside of my comfort zone.   

Yet my other foot longs for a simple controlled life.  This involves commitment to 2 or 3 important things and the development of some sort of...dare I say...routine.  Currently I'm living in a small town of Lincoln, NE juggling applying for several full-time jobs while holding multiple part-time positions together in a precarious balance.  This involves constant paperwork, resumes, job interviews, cluttered and irregular calendar appointments,  and the constant feeling that I'm forgetting to do something important.  I want ONE good full-time job without thinking of applying for another.  Just one job to dedicate myself fully to and move up in my position and income.  I'm very attracted to the prospect of knowing when I will receive my next paycheck and what numbers will be on it.  Maybe I could actually create a budget!  Also, I want my own place.  Just a simple house/apt. that I can set things up the way I want them and live there for at least a full year.  You know, somewhere I can just throw my stuff where ever I want it and walk around in my underwear any time I want.  I can eat whatever is in the fridge without thinking, "Is this mine?  Wait... who's been drinking my juice!?"  I can get a bed that my whole body fits on... no feet hanging off the edge and awkwardly smashed against the wall.  And most importantly... I want to get a dog!    I'll wake up at my regular time and go work my regular hours and come home to find "Shadrack" waiting eagerly for his kibble as I argue with him over who gets to eat first.  Then we can go running together and feed off each others energy, competing to see who can keep their tongue off the pavement.  Yep, just me and Shadrack in or our own little shack in some small town.

Whichever direction the next year brings me... I will apply all my mental and spiritual fortitude to remain content in whatever situation I find myself.  

The Wonder of it All

I figit in the back pew as I contemplate quietly slipping out the back door and driving off.  I awoke early this morning and drove 40 mi to church, feeling the need for some spiritual wisdom and renewal.  However now I am beginning to question whether I have come to the right place.  I feel totally separated from God and sitting through this routine service seems to drift me further away.


I look around at the small congregation before me.  Far to my right sits an overweight girl in her late twenties who pushes away the hand of a conspicuous elder man who forcefully whispers (God know's what) into her ear.  The young lady's distant scowl deepens as her fingers swipe away at her smart phone.  In front of me sits a retired grey-haired trucker who reminisces with me about his wife.  I am sympathetic towards his loss but as the conversation progresses his breath begins to stink of self-centered arrogance.  Up front a domineering woman leads a group of uncomfortable militant children through a "fun" song to advertise for Vacation Bible School.  The substitute preacher, surrounded by an aura of timid defeat, stands in the back and nervously fiddles with his lapel mic.  A few pews away sits an eccentric teenage boy lifting his hands in prayer, apparently guiding himself through his own worship service. 


I shift in my seat prepared to dart out.  Instead I begin reprimanding myself for criticizing the people around me and feeling so little love for them.  After all, there is plenty that could be said about me.  My job seems to be turning me into a cynic. I see too many angry kids who have faced years of abuse and neglect at the hands of those who should love them most.  I find more and more deception - people who are not what they appear to be on the outside.  How am I to love rather than hate?  How am I to stay optimistic?  


My thoughts are interrupted as the people around me begin to stand with their hymnals for song service.  I grab the book tucked neatly into the pew in front of me and flip it open to our opening song, #75 - The Wonder of it All.  My heart is gripped by the words as we begin to sing...




There's the wonder of sunset at evening,
The wonder as sunrise I see;
But the wonder of wonders that thrills my soul
Is the wonder that God loves me.

O, the wonder of it all! The wonder of it all!
Just to think that God loves me.
O, the wonder of it all! The wonder of it all!
Just to think that God loves me.

There's the wonder of springtime and harvest,
The sky, the stars, the sun;
But the wonder of wonders that thrills my soul
Is a wonder that's only begun.


O, the wonder of it all! The wonder of it all!
Just to think that God loves me.
O, the wonder of it all! The wonder of it all!
Just to think that God loves me.




This is the wonderful truth that I have been forgetting.  God will bring His justice on those who purposely serve evil rather than Him and His goodness.  Yet, we are all deeply loved though we all are broken and not one fully deserves it.  The evil in you and the evil in me is not what defines us.  God loves the victim and the criminal (at times we all play both).  He sees us not for what we do, but for who we are created to be.  My role is not judge.  My role is to live daily serving good and truth rather than evil.  Our song service then closes with a prayer that leaves me feeling humbled and recharged... 

Father, lead me day by day,
Ever in Thine own sweet way;
Teach me to be pure and true;
Show me what I ought to do.

When in danger, make me brave;
Make me know that Thou canst save;
Keep me safe by Thy dear side;
Let me in Thy love abide.

When tempted to do wrong,
Make me steadfast, wise, and strong;
And when all alone I stand,
Shield me with Thy mighty hand.

May I do the good I know,
Be Thy loving child below,
Then at last go home to Thee,
Evermore Thy child to be.
   


#482 - Father, Lead Me Day by Day

Mountaintop Experience

Tonight I watched the sun sink below the horizon as I stood atop a peek overlooking the clouds.  It was perhaps one of the most fantastic spiritual experiences I have had in a long while.  The glowing orange sun spreads its warm colors atop pure while puffy clouds which grace the tops of the surrounding majestic Sierra Nevada peaks.  I hear nothing but the cool wind which makes my naked ears ache.  I welcome the chill, as I am too distracted by the surrounding beauty to care about such temporal discomfort.  I'm reminded of times past that I have experienced this soul bending peace which accompanies the panorama view from atop a peak, gazing down through patches of soft clouds at the vast rugged wilderness below.  I attempt to use lofty language not to please the reader, but to capture just a smidge of the associated feelings that grip me when I find myself standing atop a mountain.

Today I was able to reach this privileged view with minimal effort - a 20 minute drive followed by a short and steep half mile ascent.  Yet most often, such a privileged view comes only after hours of strenuous hiking through treacherous terrain.  I believe this is how it should be.  Such a reward should not come easy, for then it falls victim to simply becoming a "good photo opp."  In my experience,  it has been the things that I work hardest for that I appreciate and value the most.  Yet even after minimal effort to reach my perch, I find myself lost in wonder and consumed by emotion.  Similar to what I experience when comfortably fixed in my window seat, pressing my face against the 8 X 12 window to watch the city noise fade into a speck amidst a larger picture of untamed country.  What is it about the high places that capture my heart and soul?  Why is it that I feel most at peace in these precious moments where I am given a birds eye view of the world?

I don't know that I have absolute answers to these questions.  More and more I believe that true spiritual experiences hold mystery that cannot be scientifically rationalized or psychologically picked apart.  However, today I did some reflecting on these questions while descending from my mountaintop experience and I came to a satisfactory explanation.

First, all outside noise becomes irrelevant and lost - radio, chit-chat, videos, arguments, engines and horns, intellectual banter, mechanized conveniences, religious debate, the hum of artificial lighting, buzzing and ringing phones, the rattling of coins, banging of doors... all is replaced with a natural and real peace.  Secondly, inward noise is carried away with the wind - justifiable anger, worries of tomorrow, fear of yesterday, self-centered pride, self-doubting tapes, pressure to please, questions demanding for answers, unmet personal expectation, performance anxiety accompanied with perfectionism, loneliness, apathy... all are forgotten in this moment.  Finally, childlike wonder is unpacked from it's dusty box - peace embraces the unknown, a renewed trust in a Higher Power is found, acceptance comes easier, joy is placed in living, purpose is discovered,  imagination awakens, unexplainable laughter aroused, curiosity heightens.

From atop the peak, outside noise dissipates, inward noise is silenced, and childlike wonder is recaptured.

Oh, that I could live on that mountaintop... ;)

Simplicity

...is beautiful.

The "R" word

Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em!  In this instance, I'm not talking about girls.  Rather I speak of the paradox surrounding these useful yet dangerous tools known as routines.  A saying I developed during my Freshman year in college is "routine is a trap."  Lately however, I find myself thinking that I would do well to grasp the hand of routine once more.  In the past few years, every time she draws close I shoot her a distrusting look of disgust and push her away.  I reckon it's time that routine was given a fare trial.  Should I slip her in the noose for good or embrace her in welcoming arms?  With you, my blog readers as witnesses, I ask Routine to take the stand -

Routine, is it true that you seek to help people and improve their quality of life rather than insidiously slip your deceiving and confining tentacles around them?

Yes, I seek to give people structure and order, saving them from the head-ache of chaotic living.

Interesting.  Would you then say that life is naturally chaotic?

 Without people intentionally inviting me into their lives... yes.

So the world is naturally chaotic.  Sporadic disasters, broken systems of government and world powers, the random e-brake failure on my unattended truck... all prove that we live in a chaotic world.  Yet you give people the false belief that they have control over their lives.  How do you justify this illusive deception?

Simply because things happen out of our control does not mean that we have NO control over our lives.

Yet it is obvious that people build you into their lives obsessively!  Same job, same friends, same conversations, same modes of mindless entertainment, same ways of thinking, same way of washing in the shower, same parking spot at work, same desk is the classroom, same, same, SAME!  People grow so dependent upon you that when something chaotic happens, out of their control, they grow angry in confusion and fear.  We tend to fear what we do not understand and can not control.  Can you deny that many, if not most people use you out of fear?

I can not deny this.

Therefore you admit, you simply exist to give people a false sense of control to medicate their fear of an unpredictable reality?

No.  I admit that many people use me in unhealthy ways.  Most good things can be used in destructive ways contrary to their true purpose.

So what would you say is your so-called "good and true purpose?"

Well, let's take your own life for example.  You used to brush your teeth every morning and night religiously.  Also when you were a child you put your things away when you were done using them just as your parents taught you.  Now, you waste at least 15 minutes each day searching around your cluttered room for you wallet and keys, breathing a sigh of distress that inevitably reminds you that your oral hygiene has been neglected.

My own life? You want to talk about your role in my own life?!  When I gave you up, I gained so much more than good dentition!  I move from place to place traveling all over the US and the world.  I feel confined to no person or place.  Today I can enter difficult discussions and no longer dwell on the fact that I don't have the answer for everything.  I trust God.  I am free to grow and change daily. I am pursuing work that I love and doing what I am passionate about without being constrained to mere financial motivation.  I understand what it means to live an exciting life because I gave you up!  With you, Routine, I was nothing more than a good boy with a boring life.

You think you have given me up, but the reality is that you continue to use me.  You used me when you payed your credit card bills on time.  You used me when you punctually showed up to work today.  Even when you said a prayer this morning, I was there.  In fact, if you used me more - you would have clean clothes more often, you would exercise more consistently, you would be more successful in staying in touch with close friends and family, and you might even learn to play the guitar better!

Routine, you claim to be good and helpful.  Anyone can see that at times you are.  Yet you yourself admit that many people become obsessive with you.  You might cause order and help people accomplish their goals.  I give you that.  But you also keep people from stepping out of their comfort zones and accomplishing great things!  Can you be trusted?  We will leave it to the readers to decide your fate.  For now, this meeting is adjourned.  It's way past my regular bed time... 

Time to Man Up

I turned my attention to all of the young men in the room and asked, "So how many of you feel you had a good connection with your father?"  ... slowly the sheepish replies began to fill the silence - "Not me - Yeah, me neither - I sure didn't."  Some did not respond, however their silent downward gazes said enough...

Today I had a discussion with a good friend who shared the previous account with me.  She had just finished watching the new movie, "Courageous"  with a group of guys and wanted to survey how many of her friends had fathers who provided their sons with engaging and affirming mentorship. The response was scary.

I have found responses to be very similar around me.  So many of us guys are drifting into manhood with deep-seeded questions tugging on our souls, "What does it truly mean to be a man?  When do I become a man and what does the process entail?  Do I have what it takes to be a good boyfriend, husband, father?  Meanwhile, girls around us are asking,  "Where are the REAL MEN that propel me to feel like a REAL WOMAN? " and fatherless boys are pleading, "Who will show me the way?"

We are reaching a crisis.  Some will say that I'm overreacting and shouting Armageddon, for the question of manhood and identity are as old as mankind.  However, you have to be truly blind to miss that somethings are rapidly deescalating.  Divorce rates are climbing higher than ever, fatherless homes are significantly becoming more common place, men are spending less time together and more with their computers, and employers are rapidly balding in their search for reliable men.

Manhood has a lot more to do with character than it does with life situation, age or development.  The movie "Courageous" wonderfully depicts what the transfer into manhood entails:  Active engagement in the lives of others, living with a sense of mission and purpose, personal sacrifice, honorably upholding golden principles of honesty and charity, and leading by way of love in action.  Those qualities are easy to write but how easy are they to live?  I find three great forces in the movie that allow us to fully embrace these qualities and step into priceless, authentic manhood.

1.  Intentional Living


In Courageous, a man named Alex is shaken deeply into a greater sense of responsibility after his daughter is killed in a car accident.  He proposes a written contract for himself to commit to living as a better husband, father, friend, and citizen.  Alex brings the contract to his friends and asks them to hold him accountable to the standards and sign the document.  One friend casually laughs and states, "Aren't you taking this a little too serious?  I mean, you're doing good enough."  Alex retorts with passion, "I don't want to be just good enough!"  Alex grasped the concept that in order for him to make significant changes in his routine and relationships it was going to demand taking ACTION and being INTENTIONAL about implementing the changes he needed to make to become a better man.  We can talk all day about what it means to be a great man but it will amount to nothing until practical steps are taken towards initiating the change.  Good things don't come to those who wait...

2.  Accountability and Brotherhood

I think us guys have a deranged tendency to believe that to seek out help and support is week and unnecessary.  While I'm not suggesting that we all hook it up with the nearest shrink, I am discovering more and more the power of working together towards a common goal.  We need other kick-azz dudes by our sides to hold us accountable for living up to the men of integrity we are seeking to become.  Alex did not just create a list of goals, he brought that list to be "notarized" by a fellowship of men whom he respected.  Such a brotherhood is not easy to come by but it is a search well worth the undertaking.

3.  Admonition That a Greater Power is Needed


If I alone am trying to change myself and drawing strength only from within, I can expect one of two results - immediate failure and discouragement, or delayed failure and discouragement.  I need One who has thoughts that are not my thoughts, ways that are not my ways.  Doing things my way is what confines me and leaves me  sickened with how self-centered I am.  He is going to let me stumble around until I turn to Him and His ways for help.  As a result, when I make progress and become a better man that draws respect, I have to give Him the credit.  For without His high standard I would be lost, not knowing the way.  Without His grace, I would be caught in discouragement at my failures.  Without His strength I would give up.  One of my favorite scriptures explains all God has to offer in my journey towards manhood, "For God has not given you a spirit of timidity and fear, but of power, love, and self-control." - 2 Timothy 1:7

There is much more that can be said on this topic and I am a far cry from being an expert man or understanding what truly being a great man is all about.  For now, I am satisfied that discussion has been initiated on this important matter.  Our fathers did the best they could and holding any resentments towards them does no one any good.  I was blessed to have a loving father who was present in my life and intentional about making improvements upon how his father had raised him.  In addition there are things that I hope to do differently.  Generational cycles are by no means easy to shake - it demands a lot of intentional living, support from brothers, and power from God.


In case you need further convincing that this is an important topic:

Incarceration Rates. "Young men who grow up in homes without fathers are twice as likely to end up in jail as those who come from traditional two-parent families...those boys whose fathers were absent from the household had double the odds of being incarcerated -- even when other factors such as race, income, parent education and urban residence were held constant." (Cynthia Harper of the University of Pennsylvania and Sara S. McLanahan of Princeton University cited in "Father Absence and Youth Incarceration." Journal of Research on Adolescence 14 (September 2004): 369-397.)

Suicide. 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Bureau of the Census)

Behavioral Disorders. 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (United States Center for Disease Control)

High School Dropouts. 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes (National Principals Association Report on the State of HighSchools.)

Educational Attainment. Kids living in single-parent homes or in step-families report lower educational expectations on the part of their parents, less parental monitoring of school work, and less overall social supervision than children from intact families. (N.M. Astore and S. McLanahan, American Sociological Review, No. 56 (1991)

Juvenile Detention Rates. 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988)

Confused Identities. Boys who grow up in father-absent homes are more likely that those in father-present homes to have trouble establishing appropriate sex roles and gender identity.(P.L. Adams, J.R. Milner, and N.A. Schrepf, Fatherless Children, New York, Wiley Press, 1984).

Aggression. In a longitudinal study of 1,197 fourth-grade students, researchers observed "greater levels of aggression in boys from mother-only households than from boys in mother-father households." (N. Vaden-Kierman, N. Ialongo, J. Pearson, and S. Kellam, "Household Family Structure and Children's Aggressive Behavior: A Longitudinal Study of Urban Elementary School Children," Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 23, no. 5 (1995).

Achievement. Children from low-income, two-parent families outperform students from high-income, single-parent homes. Almost twice as many high achievers come from two-parent homes as one-parent homes. (One-Parent Families and Their Children, Charles F. Kettering Foundation, 1990).

Delinquency. Only 13 percent of juvenile delinquents come from families in which the biological mother and father are married to each other. By contract, 33 percent have parents who are either divorced or separated and 44 percent have parents who were never married. (Wisconsin Dept. of Health and Social Services, April 1994).

Criminal Activity. The likelihood that a young male will engage in criminal activity doubles if he is raised without a father and triples if he lives in a neighborhood with a high concentration of single-parent families. Source: A. Anne Hill, June O'Neill, Underclass Behaviors in the United States, CUNY, Baruch College. 1993