L...O...V...E?

With Valentines Day in the rear-view mirror, I figure it's the right time to construct my post on romantic love.  What does being in love really look like?  How does one find the right balance between feelings and logic in relationships?  Most of us go through life with little to no guidance regarding relationships and just squirm around trying to figure it out as quick as possible with as few scars as possible.  I think there is a lack of spoken advice out there because few people feel they really have the answers to such things!  Fortunately, I do.  Here are the answers and advice we've all been anxiously waiting for.  Okay, maybe not.  But I have learned a few things that may be helpful for....

• ...the person holding on to an ideal.  You have a list detailing everything you want in a partner and you will settle for nothing less.  To you I say - take that list, carefully fold it up as small as you can, and flush it down the toilet!  There is NO ideal person to fit your every stinking desire. You will find a person who meets some of your requirements but never all.  Instead of trying to find everything you want and need in another, focus on growing to BE everything you want and go offer that to the world.

• ...the one who compromises core values and settles.  Ultimately you and your partner will end up feeling sick riding the up and down the waves of your emotions as you sacrifice your core standards for sentiment.  I don't care how good and right it feels - know your absolutes in a relationship and if they're lacking walk away.  Don't over analyze every angle and make excuses - thank the individual for their time in your life and move on.  You need to create a FEW absolutes for yourself when approaching relationships.  Understand and accept that these might change as you date and mature - roll with that.  But know what yours are presently and don't compromise.  If you don't know what yours are, talk to couples who have what you want or date around until you do.  You're not about to learn your relational absolutes by reading self help books alone in your basement.  Do you want kids?  Do they?  This might be a good starting point to finding your non-negotiables. 

• ...the one who seeks thrills.  Yes there is great excitement to be in a relationship with someone who brings mystery, intrigue, charisma and looks like they walked out of your dreams.  But take time to consider -  Will the thrills be enough when your family member gets sick and your partner is too busy recreating or socializing with friends to care?  How about when the bills begin to stack up because they possess the financial responsibility of a six year old in a candy shop?  Having some spark and thrills in a relationship is awesome but it's NEVER enough by itself.

• ...the one who leads with their head.  You have analyzed this person from every angle and can't find any logical reason to push them away despite your feelings.  You can't enjoy the warmth and glow of a blazing fire without first having a spark.  Pursuing a logical choice in relationships without some spark is like sitting around a pile of wood imagining what it would feel like if it were warm.  The thought might offer some comfort but it's greatly unsatisfying.  Each person carries a spark for someone and if that's not you, be kind to them and yourself - cut it off.

• ...the one who fights to make it work.  The beginning of a relationship is supposed to be relatively easy and fun!  If it's more work than fun within the first year - red light.

• ...the one who surrenders at the first sign of struggle.  You are a difficult person to be with.  Everyone is at some point - including you!  If you can't accept your own shortcomings you won't accept those of another.  If this is the case, you have some work to do on yourself before you can invite an intimate relationship into your life.  Every relationship at some point feels more like work than fun.  Be prepared to put the work in for the one who's willing to put it in for you.

• ....the one who juggles multiple relationships.  This is a great way to learn about what kind of person you want to date and what your absolutes are but don't get too involved if you're dating more than one person and be honest about your status with each person involved.  Eventually if you don't make a decision, the decision will be made for you and you'll be left standing alone with a loss of self-respect.

I know each of these people because at one point or another I've been each of them.  Presently I feel more prepared to show up for the right person at the right time than I ever have thanks to learned experiences in dating.  I'm grateful for the failed relationships and people that has helped me learn along the way.  I have inflicted wounds and received many myself.  That is the nature of opening your heart up.  I will never give up taking risks in love and I will always be open to finding it while finding contentment without.  Some of the best relationship advice given to me - "As long as you feel the need to be in a relationship to be happy you don't belong in one."


For a sappy and hopeful ending, I write this to...

• ...the one who wants to love me like I want to love you.  Thank you for being patient with me and my flaws.  You see me at my worst yet remember me at my best.  Thank you for being kind.  You continually consider how you would like to be treated and talked to and that is what is reflected to me.  Thank you for keeping no record of wrongs.  I have wronged you before but you don't remind me of it after we have worked through it.  You are so quick to forgive that your grace compels me to be better.  Thank you for embracing hope.  You see my potential and remind me of what I can become affirming my feeble steps towards the goal.  Thank you for persevering.  Your commitment to us is resilient and tenacious.  Thank you for trusting.  You give me the benefit of the doubt assuming the best rather than the worst about me.  Thank you for protecting me.  We bring others into our love but at the end of the day it's always you and I watching each others backs.