Write or Wrong

Sometimes I think about writing and then all of these thoughts starts swirling through my head about topics that are heavy on my mind and heart.  I pick at one, look it over, and then try to grab another as it swims by.  Then I begin to think about the connections between the two thoughts and just as I'm about to have them nicely tied together, another thought begins to circle me.  I pick that one up too.  And another.  Oh, that reminds me... then another.  Before I know it I have all these thoughts that I'm trying desperately to hold onto and quickly try to place priority on the most important, relevant, and captivating thought.  I then realize that I'm holding on to far too many topics - connecting them all would be like trying to construct a symmetrical web out of a mess of tangled threads.  I decide that right now I just don't have time to sort through them all, isolate one, and present it in a way that is comprehensible.  With this realization I drop all the topics on my mind, realize there is now something else I need to be doing, and walk away resolving to come back and try again another day.

This is why my posts have month gaps between them.  This is why I have so much to say this morning but can not arrive at a starting point for I can't foresee a tidy ending. Any suggestions from my fellow blogger / writers out there?

Little Things Matter

The tender-hearted teenage boy longs for affirmation and a place of belonging as his peers ridicule him for his heightened maturity and sensitivity.  I place my hand on his shoulder and share with him that he is gifted as a silent leader, blessed with a quick conscience and a deep love for others.

I'm struck with doubt that my words and time will mean anything tomorrow.

You invited me into your home, looked me in the eye with sincere concern, and asked, "How's your courage my friend?"

I press forward and look UP.

A young woman turns to her drug again after a substantial period of sobriety and contemplates taking her life.  I pray for her and contact a friend who can relate requesting her to speak with with the discouraged woman.

I question whether anything I did will help.

You boxed up and set aside a lunch for me today when you noticed I was held up in a work meeting.

I press forward and look UP.

The 8-year old boy with a brain tumor needs words of hope as he counts down his days on one hand.  I pray with a group of others telling God that I do not understand his ways and request a miracle.

I feel discouraged and angry.

You noticed I was stressed and prayed that I would find peace today.

I press forward and look UP.

A young man grows discouraged as he feels he doesn't quite measure up to draw the attention of the girl he loves.  I smile with empathy and assured him that he has a lot to offer the right woman at the right time.

I grow distracted wondering if I could believe such counsel.

You invite me for a walk and point out the beauty surrounding us.

I press forward and look UP.

The charitable couple passionately dedicate their lives to serving others while feeling torn as their own family suffers a deficit of time, money, and energy.  I tell them what an inspiration they are and plan a special dinner.

I wonder whether a person can give too much, questioning the value of service.

You baked fresh cookies and told me that you need my help eating them.

I press forward and look UP.

A beautiful young woman struggles to believe that anyone could love her unconditionally after numerous scaring relationships.  I  attempt to assure her that she is a dear friend that is greatly loved by many.

I feel sick thinking of how I may have scared others and fear that my loving words have fallen cheap.

You sent me a text today saying that you miss me and are have been thinking about me.

I press forward and look UP.

Pivot Point Appology

Have you ever had a day that you look in the mirror with disgust at what you see?  A moment you're punched in the gut with the reality that you are not the person you want to be?  Perhaps painfully pricked with the notion that what you hate most really resides within your own members?

Today I found myself caught up in a bitter bought of loneliness with a feeling of dissatisfaction I could not shake.  I was feeling dissatisfied with my co-workers, my friends, my family, my relationships in general.  Basically feeling, "Why is no one in my life what I need and want them to be."  I found myself thirsting for meaningful companionship but feeling as if it lay beyond my grasp.  After wasting nearly an hour alone in my room consulting my Facebook friend index with a red-eyed squint at a feeble attempt to connect with others, I vented my frustrations to Google with the following lamentation, "I feel like I am being challenged by no one."  At first glance, it appeared Google completely missed my point and was going to be of little help with the off-topic search results.  However one result loomed off the page and I hesitantly clicked and read...

Narcissistic Relationships: Perils of Loving a Narcissist - PsychAlive

Following this reading, I was struck with a gruesome and vividly clear picture - I quite possible have narcissistic tenancies.  No, I DO have narcissistic tendencies.  Maybe I have avoided showing it's ugly head to some, but there's no hiding our defects from ourselves.  This realization first caused me some fist pounding frustration, then some somber contemplation, and finally, an inspiring resolution - I am going to do all I can to break free from these self-focused, life sucking, people pounding ways of thinking and behaving.  My first step to escape is clear - an apology.  I believe formulated apologies are cheap unless followed with action.  So my hope is formulate an authentic apology here and begin to take steps of action to back it up.

To all my dear friends, family, and co-workers:

There have been times that I treated many of you unfairly, acting as if my own thoughts, feelings, and agenda were more important than your own.  Many times I have been so obsessed with trying to do things well and be the best, that I have had little energy left to direct towards your words, accomplishments, and ambitions.  I have been unfairly critical of myself and have transferred this critical attitude upon you and our relationship.  I have come to you in times of need, frustrated that you could not provide me the affirmation and justification for my own inflated sense of self-importance.  I have often shown you the most love when you were fulfilling a personal need I was carrying, and have been flippant with you when my needs were being met elsewhere.  On several occasions I may have left you feeling poor about yourself by failing to see you for you and responding in love and empathy.  As a result, I regrettably have missed experiencing the full depth of who you are and seeing clearly all that you have to offer.  I was wrong, and I ask for your forgiveness and honest communication with me if you should feel me responding to you in such a way again.  

It not my intent to be over dramatic and I'm sure people will read this who need not and people who need to read it may miss it.  However, I know the first step to change is getting honest with myself and this is my expression of doing so.  I do not loath myself so please do not feel sorrow for me or worry about my sense of self-worth.  I know that I belong to a loving God who takes me as I am - defects and all.  I commit to taking myself and the people in my life in the same manner. 

I feel this has been a bit of a heavy post - next time I think I will have to document something simple and trite from my life...perhaps a musing on pocket lint...  ;)

Power Struggles

Sitting at home sick eating hot soup and watching a movie.  Work phone begins to ring.

-RING, RING
"Hello, this is Jason."
"I know you're out driving around so come get me from school."
"Jake, what do you need me to get you from school for?"
"I'm out.  The school day is over."
"Okay... why are you callling me to pick you up."
"Because we're meeting today and I want you to get me from school so I don't have to walk home."
"Well Jake, I'm home sick and we will not be meeing today."
"Oh, uh, well, it's whatever." -CLICK


Talking with an older man later this evening, discussing how to fix an ant infestation...

He begins -
"Sugar doesn't actually work to attract ants, they just go around it."
"Well if you use fake sugar, like Sweet n' Low, it will take care of them.  They eat it and it poisons them."
"I don't think so.  They actually don't like sugar."
"Oh, well maybe it depends on the type of ants.  I worked maintenance at a camp and that is what we used to take care of them.  We put Sweet n' Low packets all over and it took care of them within a day's time.  It was pretty cool!"
"That's because they just went around it."

I walk away, smiling as I recall vaccuming up piles of dead ants following the Sweet n' Low treatment.


Why do people get into power struggles?  A lack of personal value.  If I do not value myself already, I must prove my value and worth by attempting to dominate others and have power over them.  I'm sure at times when I feel low, insecure and hurt I have been guilty of initiating a power struggle.  To be honest though, most days I see very little motivation in attempting to overpower another for the sake of an ego boost.  It makes me feel like a 5 year old.  Yet another reason I have to be greatful that I have a God who places great value upon me that no one can take away.

The best way I have learned to deal with power struggles with others who are intitiating them?  Don't participate, walk away, end the conversation, move on.  A struggle only exists when two people are pulling against eachother.

Just a thought I had to put out there.

Strengths Perspective

Drawing a deep breath of satisfaction, I stand in the parking lot gazing upward upon the big red neon letters - ACE.  Smiling I dawn my red vest with pride and pin on my name tag bearing the inscription, "Jason - Yard Laborer."  This was my first REAL job - W2, I9's and all.  It was my final year at Chino Valley High and I had made the exciting step into the working class.

Whistling, I walked through the store towards the back greeting my co-workers as I passed, "Hey Bob, good to see ya!... How ya doing Jim?... Good morning Erica - the coffee smells great!"  I grab a Styrofoam cup, poor myself a freshly brewed cup of Joe, and head out the back door.  I'm greeted by the familiar and wonderful scent of freshly cut lumber. I head towards the sound of a rumbling diesel engine springing to life and see my supervisor Matt dismounting the fork lift.  "Hey Jason, I need you to take those pallets of fire logs to the front of the store."  I quickly down the last bit of coffee and climb onto the driver’s seat.  "You remember how to run that thing now, don't ya?"  "Yeah, I got it boss!"  I disengage the e-brake, stretch my leg out to compress the clutch and yank the stubborn stick into 1st.  The beast roars to life and I raise the forks slightly as I spear the first pallet.  I tilt the forks back, elevate, kick it in reverse, spin around and head to the front of the store in one slick motion.  Cruising up to the store front I pause to make sure no customers are in the target zone.  Stacked neatly in front of the store is one full pallet of fire logs.  I raise the forks up and prepare to drive the new pallet right on top, closing the distance with a confident speed - 10 ft...8 ft....6 ft.....4 ft.....bang!  I'm startled by the noise and horrified i gaze upward along the fork beam to see the overhanging roof.  My gut churns as I notice the big red 'A' in ACE has now been slightly disfigured.  In a panic I glance around and see that no one but me and God is aware of my mishap. 

Eventually, I summon the courage to make the walk of shame upstairs towards the manager's office.  Dave opens his office door to my timid knock and welcomes me in with a premature smile.  With sweaty hands and a trembling voice I precede to retell the horrid incident.  Dave looks at me sternly and states, "Well, you're right, that's not good news."  Prepared for the worse I state in desperation, "Whatever it costs for a new sign you can take straight out of my paycheck."  With a slight chuckle, Dave says with a smirk, "It would take A LOT of paychecks to replace a sign like that."  Dave agrees to take a look at it and thanks me for reporting the incident to him.  My stomach lives in my throat for the remainder of the shift.  At the days end, I head to the mail boxes to fill out my timesheet.  Inside my box I find a sealed envelope with my name on it.  Expecting a bill or letter of termination I slowly opened the paper and read:


Dear Jason,

I was very impressed with you for reporting to me immediately following the incident with the sign.  Accidents happen and it means a great deal that you honestly owned up to me for your mistake.  You are a true man of integrity and this will take you far in life.  It's a privilege to have you working for us here.

Sincerely,
Dave

...............................................................

Driving down the road, I can quickly spot drivers who need a little education from the Department of Jason.  At the end of the day I can take inventory of the people who acted foolishly or wronged me in some way - the bag lady who failed to protect my bananas, the postman who failed to deliver my package on time, or the dude who stole my pull up bar at the gym.  It's easy to do this with myself too - I can look at my to-do list and fret over the two out of 15 items that I didn't get crossed off.  I can say a dozen intelligent things in a day’s time (on a good day) yet the foolish remark that escaped is too often one I'm replaying in my head.  When playing cards I might play 8 good hands, but the one hand I lose the game over is often the one that leaves me bitter. 

How about at work?  This is where the game gets serious.  I work with struggling youth who are told daily, "You are a liar," "You are so lazy," "I can't deal with you anymore." "You're failing math," "Why can't you EVER get to your classes on time?"  Where are the voices that say, "I know it wasn't easy but you told me honestly that you were sent to ISS - I'm proud of you for telling me,"  "You walked out of the class instead of hitting the teacher - I'm proud of you for controlling your anger,"  "You turned in half of the job applications - good job for taking action and showing initiative,"  "You have put a lot of hard work into studying for Science and you're now passing!  I know you can do the same for English when you set your mind to it," or "You passed your first drug test!  Way to go!"

I want to strengthen this voice within me and use it to speak to you and all those around me.  This is called a strength based approach.  I have many strengths.  Some of them are - patient, good communicator, thoughtful, creative, adaptive, determined, adventurous and loyal.  Take some time to write yours out.  Yeah, I've got my work cut out for me on areas to improve but when I focus on what I am doing well with it gives me courage to continue the fight and fuel to keep trucking.  If I'm constantly focused on the things I'm not doing well with - it creates complacency, laziness, hostility, anger, and isolating behaviors.  People that keep me focused on my faults and shortcomings have no room in my life.  If I have a critical eye on me the same eye turns around and glares at the world. 

This doesn't mean that I walk around ignorant of my faults or pretend not to see the faults of others.  It certainly does not mean I reach a point where I am faultless and incapable of admitting my shortcomings.  It only means that I spend more time focusing on the good that I have accomplished and the good that others around me are achieving.  What is fed with attention is nourished and finds longevity.

I'm grateful for the people in my life that have sought to stand by my side and have focused on my successes when it was easier to see my failures.  Most of all I thank you God for teaching me about grace with myself and others - this is a concept I will forever continue to strive to fully grasp and reflect more clearly each day.  I must also specifically note, this rant was inspired by a discussion with a fantastic lady who I am privileged to call my girlfriend.  Thank you Julie for your time, wisdom, patience and chosen joy. J



"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." -Philippians 4:8

“Then Jesus entered and passed through Jericho. Now behold, there was a man named Zacchaeus who was a chief tax collector, and he was rich. And he sought to see who Jesus was, but could not because of the crowd, for he was of short stature. So he ran ahead and climbed up into a sycamore tree to see Him, for He was going to pass that way. And when Jesus came to the place, He looked up and saw him, and said, ‘Zacchaeus, make haste and come down, for today I must stay at your house.’ So he made haste and came down, and received Him joyfully. But when they saw it, they all complained, saying, ‘He has gone to be a guest with a man who is a sinner.’ Then Zacchaeus stood and said to the Lord, ‘Look, Lord, I give half of my goods to the poor; and if I have taken anything from anyone by false accusation, I restore fourfold.’” And Jesus said to him, ‘Today salvation has come to this house, because he also is a son of Abraham; for the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost’” (Luke 19:1-10).

As far as my first job goes... the 'A' might have been busted but I did a good job at missing the 'C' and the 'E'!  A co-worker repaired it with masking tape for me and the boss man gave me a raise the following week. ;) 

The Gym

I struggle to force my foot into the already laced bright orange running shoe, thinking once again how ridiculous they look.  I purchased them online at a discounted price for obvious reasons.  As I struggle to squeeze my wide foot into the stubborn mouth, I again reprimand myself for refusing to tie and untie my shoes with each use - a bad habit that has followed me since 5th grade.  I scan the long row of lockers, searching for an open one that poses the greatest inconvenience.  I throw my stuff inside, lay some underwear on top as a deterrent and slam it shut..  It's really about time I get a lock.  I check my pockets to make sure I have the worn index card bearing my workout routine.  Dodging the naked guy exiting the showers, I walk out and commence my workout.  

I grab some water from the fountain, glance at my index card, and begin the search for an open barbell.  As my workout progresses I notice my muscles becoming more and more tense.  Not tense from the exertion but from something entirely different.  It seems every gym has them, they're always there, and learning to co-exist with them is half the battle of the workout...

THE GR-UH!-NTER

Okay, so I understand the importance of deep breathing during repetitions but is it necessary to make the whole gym aware of what rep you're on?  If your weights are so heavy that they are causing you to expel a Spartan war cry with each lift, maybe kick it down a notch.  When people are falling off treadmills on the other side of the gym out of fear, and a desk worker in the lobby comes running with a med bag... might consider developing a new breathing strategy.  

THE DEAF BLIND THEIF

Asking if you want to work in between sets is fine - but don't nab a guys station the minute he gets up, readjust all the weights, and then just sit there between sets admiring your reflection.  I workout using supersets, as do a lot of people today.  Supersetting is a training method in which you do two exercises, one after the other, with no rest in between.  However there always lurks some guy who's mission is to destroy your chances of completing your routine.  He's usually the one tuning out everything around him with the music thumping in his ears.  It's not until you stand directly between him and the mirror, wave your arms and yell,"CAN I FINISH?!"  that he snaps back to reality and says, "Oh, were you using this?"   

THE CHUCK NORRIS

Hey, I'm using the same weight.  Can I work in with you? - "Ha ha, naw, this is just my warm up." 

Maybe it is just your warm up - but I still resent you for it. 

THE TALKER

Um, I hate to interrupt your discourse on how terrible our President is doing and how his fiscal policies are creating a worldwide economic crisis that is going to lead to WWIII ending the existence of modern mankind while the machines take over.... but can I grab those 35s behind you?  I go the gym to workout.  Some people go to socialize and that's fine.  But at least do it in a place where you're not impeding the flow of the crazy few who are trying to compete a workout.  Also, please don't try to talk over the Spartan on the squat machine... you won't win.

Simplicity vs Adventure

I feel torn between worlds... not really living in either, but existing in a sort of mid-western limbo land.  I have one foot standing inside a door of adventure, travel, unpredictability, and conquest.  This is where I find myself contemplating joining the the Coast Guard, applying for jobs in other countries, or pursuing my medic license while enrolled in a police academy somewhere near Lake Tahoe.  I want adventure and physically demanding challenges.  People say, "this is the time in your life to do that!  Young, single, few commitments, go for it!"  I've already traveled and moved more in the last four years than many do in a lifetime.  It's held challenging, yet amazing experiences - I want more!  I want to explore the rest of the 24 states that I've never visited, try various jobs out while adding more diversity to my interests, and ever challenging myself to live outside of my comfort zone.   

Yet my other foot longs for a simple controlled life.  This involves commitment to 2 or 3 important things and the development of some sort of...dare I say...routine.  Currently I'm living in a small town of Lincoln, NE juggling applying for several full-time jobs while holding multiple part-time positions together in a precarious balance.  This involves constant paperwork, resumes, job interviews, cluttered and irregular calendar appointments,  and the constant feeling that I'm forgetting to do something important.  I want ONE good full-time job without thinking of applying for another.  Just one job to dedicate myself fully to and move up in my position and income.  I'm very attracted to the prospect of knowing when I will receive my next paycheck and what numbers will be on it.  Maybe I could actually create a budget!  Also, I want my own place.  Just a simple house/apt. that I can set things up the way I want them and live there for at least a full year.  You know, somewhere I can just throw my stuff where ever I want it and walk around in my underwear any time I want.  I can eat whatever is in the fridge without thinking, "Is this mine?  Wait... who's been drinking my juice!?"  I can get a bed that my whole body fits on... no feet hanging off the edge and awkwardly smashed against the wall.  And most importantly... I want to get a dog!    I'll wake up at my regular time and go work my regular hours and come home to find "Shadrack" waiting eagerly for his kibble as I argue with him over who gets to eat first.  Then we can go running together and feed off each others energy, competing to see who can keep their tongue off the pavement.  Yep, just me and Shadrack in or our own little shack in some small town.

Whichever direction the next year brings me... I will apply all my mental and spiritual fortitude to remain content in whatever situation I find myself.