An Urgent Understanding

 This may be the hardest post I will ever write and probably the most important.  While I'm about to highlight some deeply personal and sensitive truths, this blog post is not about me.  I'm a single person, on a short journey through this life with with a very narrow position in time and space.  With it, I must give back and contribute to the betterment of the world around me wherever possible.  This is my purpose in writing.  Thank you for reading and I ask that you proceed with an open heart and mind. This may challenge you and it is challenging for me, but this is one of those instances that I deeply believe - hard IS good.

Another life lost.  Last week a good friend of mine lost a student to suicide.  Then yesterday I received news of yet another young person that took her own life.  When I received the news I was rocked to the core.  A familiar tightness gripped my chest as I asked the question to which I deeply felt I already knew the answer.  "Why?  Was there any indication as to what she was up against that drove her to such a bleak encounter with fear and pain?"  As I listened to the response, the words I had predicted, broke through the ear piece of my phone - "She was deeply struggling with her sexuality."

Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual, queer... each of these labels have one thing in common - sexuality that deviates from the norm.  Most often when a person begins to recognize this deeply personal challenge, they are ostracized, feared, guilt ridden, and shamed.  I know a lot about this.  Not just because I have worked with dozens of youth facing this deep inward struggle.  Not just because my sister is gay and has openly shared with me difficulties from her journey.  But because I myself have faced a silent inward battle over my sexuality since I was a young child.  I'm not bursting out of a closet here waving a rainbow colored flag and demanding your approval of my inward deviant attractions.  I'm not even here to define my sexuality or explain to you how I plan to move forward with it in my life.  What I am here to do is to put forward a sincere plea - listen.  Listen to what I have to say and do your best to lay aside preconceived ideas and opinions.  Not so I can manipulate, shift, or support your political and religious views.  Not so I can draw your sympathies, attention, and approval for myself.  I ask that you listen only for this purpose - I am sharing this journey of being human with you and from the deepest recesses of my being I have a message to share that just might save the life of someone you know.

Consider your own sexual leanings.  What are you truly sexually attracted to?  Not just gender, but what personality traits, mannerism, body type, style, features, etc.  Really think about what core aspects of a partner you are physically drawn to.  Consider the strength of these attractions as a teenager.  You don't have to tell me, after all it's none of my business.  Just know for yourself.  Now wipe away everything you have ever been told about right and wrong attraction, just for a moment, and imagine hearing these 7 messages spoken to directly to you by your family, friends, church, and/or peers.

1. What you are attracted to is wrong.  It's different from what it's supposed to be.  You're different from what you're supposed to be.  You're a disgusting freak.
2.  Either change your attractions or hide them because it really makes people uncomfortable.  If you don't hide them, then I won't associate with you.
3. Wait...you're attracted to tall people?  I'm tall.  You must be attracted to me.  Um, this is awkward.  I'm not sure we can be friends now.  I don't like you that way.
4.  You're not welcome here.  You're dangerous.  God has said so himself.
5. We need to understand what has caused you to develop these abnormal attractions.  Genetics?  Childhood trauma?  Maybe the persuasion of your peers, culture, or media?  What causes someone to be intimately attracted to the type of person you're drawn to?  Let's get to the root.  
6. I accept you as a person but not your lifestyle.  Yes, that's right - pursuing relationships with those you are romantically drawn to puts you in a lifestyle class.  I reject that class.  I don't agree with it.
7. I recognize that what you are attracted to is unnatural and wrong.  But I am reasonable and loving, so I'll accept you under one of two conditions.  You remain single, or you move forward into an intimate relationship with someone who you're not intimately attracted to. 

How do you feel?  Bad enough that you could imagine that it would be easier just to not exist?  These messages are sent out all around us continually to those who silently struggle with their own attractions.  Hide and feel separated from your authentic self, or be seen and rejected.  This is too often the choice that is presented.

Next  I could spend time sharing research, experiences from the lives of those I have listened to, or share my own opinions.  Instead I'll do my best just share from my experience as I address each of the 7 messages above.  Re-read the numbered statement above and then read my response for the corresponding number below.

1. I can't control what my body is attracted to.  It's not right or wrong - it just is.  I like apples, LOVE peach pie, and don't care for  carrots.  Now, I have to be responsible with my tastes but they're not inherently right or wrong.  I might not want to eat a great deal of peach pie as that will make me sick and I probably should eat carrots once in awhile if I want good eye sight.  What I like does not have to rule me, but it is a significant part of me.
2. Some people have experiences of their physical attractions changing but that doesn't apply to me.  When it comes to my sexuality and tastes of what I'm physically attracted to in a person - I knew it long before I really understood what sex and sexuality was.  Some aspects have changed but to a large degree it has remained pretty consistent, even when the most rigorous of efforts were put forth to make changes.
3. For me, there is a very narrow range of people that I find myself physically attracted to.  Just because someone possesses a few of the physical traits I lean towards desiring does not mean that I can't be around them without thinking about intimacy.
4. I believe in a creator God who is the source of love, truth, and peace.  I know many people in all religions who believe that God has appointed them the special messenger to inform the world of what he morally approves or disapproves of.  For me, I have found the Bible to be helpful and read it recognizing the limitations of language and the cultural context of many passages are very different from the cultural context of today.  I also recognize that many Bible scholars do not agree how to translate passages and there exist a wide array of scriptural interpretations from respected scholars within Christianity.  (Check out the video link at the end of this post).
5. I am currently taking a genetics course and find that the vast majority of our tastes, thinking, and behavior are complex combinations of multiple genes and our environment.  As an analytical type, I have gone to great lengths to understand the source of my attractions and have found no tidy answer.  Understanding why I gravitate towards a particular taste on any level is extremely complex and multi-faceted.  I was blessed to grow up in a loving home where I never encountered any form of abuse.  I have learned in genetics that mutations regularly occur from our parental DNA during development which cause people to deviate from norms in all aspects of our being.
6. I have shifted into many different "lifestyles" in my lifetime - conservative Seven-Day Adventist, agnostic, non-denominational Christian, adventurous, college, American, African, etc.  Each of these carry a culture of their own.  However, I have found no "lifestyle" that goes with a particular set of physical attractions any more than I have found a lifestyle for right-handedness.  Media has caused me to accept a false notion to the contrary.  
7. A basic human desire is for intimacy.  To be vulnerable and fully share ourselves emotionally and physically with another human being.  I certainly experience this and always have.  I have attempted a relationship where I felt little to no physical attraction and found it very destructive to the relationship and both of us emotionally.  I will not do this again for the sake of the person I am with and their own valid interest in feeling desired and cherished.  I have also found that healthy physical attraction and intimacy grows from a place of deep emotional connectedness when there is some initial attraction to build upon.

To bring it home, relationships and physical attraction are extremely diverse.  If someone is taking advantage of another who is weak or ignorant we need to raise our voices against this.  Relationships involving two consenting adults can not be compared to child molestation.  When youth are working through their sexuality, the best we can offer is unconditional love and support and regularly communicate that we are a safe place where this is being offered.  We don't have to agree with certain types of relationships (such as homosexual) but it is false and ignorant to believe that everyone who expresses or acts on attractions outside the heterosexual norm just chooses this "lifestyle" to rebel against society, their parents, or religion.  There is a deep battle raging inside many who feel their community rejects what they so intuitively experience internally.  We can save a life by listening, loving unconditionally, and embracing two simple truths -

We can never understand someone until we walk a mile in their shoes.

Your actions speak so loudly I cannot hear a word you say.

What will your words and actions convey to the people around you who are experiencing deep inward turmoil as they seek to be authentically themselves yet long to be accepted, loved, and validated by their community, family, and friends?  This is an important question I must repeatedly ask myself.



Helpful resources:

https://www.peacefirstchallenge.org/injustices/lgbtq-rights/?gclid=CjwKEAjwtbPGBRDhoLaqn6HknWsSJABR-o5sxNPkzm9NA-21Wb_z1z8HtShD5XgpjBLfmplJ_UYw2BoCFH3w_wcB
(supporting struggling youth)

https://www.bbbs.org/
(youth mentoring program)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hc45-ptHMxo
 (understanding cultural pressures on boys and men)

 http://www.enoughroomfilm.com/?_ga=1.190815912.2056881280.1485490320
(faith and sexuality in Christianity)

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2603520/
(advice for parents from a medical standpoint)

Empower With a Mission

When was the last time you met anyone who spends their days sitting in front of a TV screen, and thought, "Wow, that is one happy person!"  Yet sadly, many of today's youth we find hidden behind glaring screens, madly pecking and swiping at their phones, and tuning out the world with buds in their ears and controllers in their hands.  It's easy to blame our overindulgent American culture on Hollywood or the addictive nature of video games.  The real problem though is obvious and distressing - the adults are checking out.  We have allowed ourselves to become too busy, distracted, and irresponsible in the things that matter most.  Thousands around the world have purchased an electronic babysitter to entertain and raise their children.  As a result we are raising up a generation of young people who perceive that there are no great needs beyond updating electronic devices to the latest versions.  Even if needs are noticed, few teenagers truly believe there is really anything they can do to better the world other than offer a few dollars to a beggar, or altruistically accept a friend request from a social outcast.   

I believe the solution is to empower our young people with an ethic of service.  Real dirty, difficult, heart-wrenching and heart-warming service.  When a teenager learns that there is a real need in the world and that they have the ability to meet those needs, purpose and meaning is restored.  When I worked with Outward Bound Omaha, I co-led a two-week Youth Service Leadership Project.  The 13 youth from all over the US slowly arrived at our base to pack for out trip.  One by one they arrived, sat down, and pulled out their electronic devices to pass the time.  We eventually had them turn over their electronics and fill out a pre-course evaluation.  On these evaluations they were told to rate on a scale of 1-10 how deep was the sense of purpose and meaning their lives held.  The numbers were distressing:  consistently the numbers were marked with a 2 or 3.  Then we set out.  They learned to navigate a river in canoes, scale a rock wall, and most importantly to see a real need and do something about it.  We took them to food banks in the slums to see how many low-income families struggle to put nutritious food on the tables in their homes.  Then we took them to several community gardens and local farms who were working to provide fresh vegetables to those in poverty.  These 13 students spent time in the fields learning to harvest corn and green beans.  Next they had the opportunity to deliver the goods to food banks and assist with distribution.  On our post-course evaluations students were asked to again rate their personal sense of purpose and meaning.  In just two weeks their numbers had skyrocketed to 8's and 9's!

For a person to discover, develop, and use their abilities to serve the world it takes intentional, consistent, compassionate, and empowering mentorship.  Let's lay aside our distractions and play this role in lives of our youth today.  They may not respond immediately and that's where the next step is crucial... NEVER GIVE UP.   More on this final principle later.

Develop a REAL-ationship

I have searched long and hard for how to reach out to a youth in a way that will make a lasting difference in his or her life.  I've met many people with a similar desire who try to connect yet feel they are pushed away or rejected in their efforts - teachers, parents, pastors... people who have a genuine desire to leave a lasting impact in a young person's life yet feel that they lack the skill or knowledge to do so.  Through my education, job exerience, and a fair share of blunders, I believe I have learned the key elements to accomplishing this.  The best part is - it's very simple and even enjoyable.  I believe we can over complicate this so much!  We don't have to know about the latest video games, have a psychology degree, or a ton of experience working with youth.  I share this not as an expert or a superior in the realm of psychology or youth outreach.  I share it as a young man with a deep and persistent burden to reach out to our youth and a fierce commitment to making this my life work.  Before I share, here a brief background on my experiences:

I have worked with numerous and diverse groups of teens in the past 4 years and feel that these experiences have taught me some significant lessons.  I graduated from Union College in 2011 with a degree in IRR: Human Services and Counseling.  Since then I have worked with inner-city youth in Nebraska with Outward Bound Omaha, school groups at Camp Wawona in Yosemite National Park, foster youth at Meramec Adventure Learning Ranch in Missouri, juvenile offenders with CEDARS in Lincoln, NE, and now I work as an assistant boys dean at DayStar Adventist Academy in Moab, Utah.  I have also mentored youth through Big Brothers Big Sisters, Teammates, and church youth groups.  I have never had my own kids - biological or adopted.  Until I do there are many aspects of parenthood I will never fully grasp.  I have great respect for those of you that have taken this responsibility on, especially those who have committed themselves to a child who is not your own!

So here are my thoughts organized into a three part acronym called D.E.N.  I will highlight the first letter "D" here and share the rest in a future post.  "D" stands for Developing a Real-ationship (or real relationship).  Stop and think about what relationships in your life mean the most to you and why.  Seriously, stop for a minute and really reflect on this, maybe even write it down before continuing here....

Okay, I'm going to guess that, like me, the most profound and meaningful relationships in your life have the following characteristics -

1)  The person has taken time to get to know who you really are.  They have taken an interest in your interests.  They have asked questions to learn about your life, thoughts, goals, and opinions.

2)  Your relationship has an element of fun.  You can laugh together and play together.  You have shared interests and are able to table the deep discussions and just take time to enjoy being in each others presence.

3)  You feel your differences are seen and accepted.  Sure you both may not agree on your music tastes, political views, or which team is going to win the Superbowl.  It doesn't matter.  The point is not to be replicas of one another but to respect each others individuality and find humor in the differences.

Now we translate each of these into our relationships with the youth -

1)  Am I taking time to get to know who he/she really is?  Sure, he probably will not open up to me about his deepest feelings and thoughts at first but would I?  I must take time to establish trust and show interest in getting to know the young person.  Too often we are tempted to rush in and throw all kinds of advice and instruction at a teenager before any relationship is built!  I need to take time to just ask questions and listen without throwing in all my percieved wisdom and counsel.  I know this is hard for many good-intentioned adults and is personally one of my biggest struggles in relating.  It is essential though to build trust!  I can speak the wisdom straight from God but if there is no relationship built it will fall on empty ears.  If I discover he skate boards, I can ask to attend one of his competitions and cheer him on.  I could even ask him to teach me how (at the risk of looking like a fool as I kick the board out in front of me time and again fallling on my rear...).  I can also find something unique about him or her and turn it into an affirming nickname... probably not pinhead, boy of marshmellow, or pooper - I think only my dad could get away with this.

2)  Enjoy the relationship!  I must take time for us to have fun together and let myself be a kid again.  This is the best part of working with youth!  As adults we can become too serious and forget how to laugh and play - let them remind us.  I've heard some folks balk at this stating that they are seeking to be a mentor and guide - not the best friend.  It's true, we have to set appropriate boundaries at times and we ocassionally have to act as an authority in their lives.  However, I have ALWAYS found that a youth respects an adult MORE if the adult has taken time to develop a real meaningful relationship through playing.  The head dean I work with at DayStar recently had a discussion with the boys after they all decided to invest in Nerf guns to have dorm wars in the evenings.  He sat them all down and said sternly, "These Nerf guns are not to become a distraction from the main reason you're here and interfere with your evening responsibilities.  If they do, it will be end of Nerf guns in the dorm.  Now, with that said, you better get ready cause I got myself a Nerf gun today and the war is on!"

3)  Lets be honest - most of us adults come at youth with a motive to help shape them into the young man or woman that we think they should be.  Is this the same way we build healthy and lasting friendships with our peers?  While it is okay and important that I mentor and guide the youth by sharing my experiences, knowledge, and opinions - I MUST remember, they are MY experiences and opinions!  No matter how much of an inside track I feel that I have to life's secrets and greatest truths, I need to remember that I can not effectively guide someone by telling them that my beliefs need to become theirs.  I have NEVER seen this approach work with anyone of any age and it certainly does not work for me.  I must give them space to question and disagree.  When I hear an opinion I want evidence (usually shown by actions), I want to hear personal experiences, and then be FREE to DECIDE for myself.  Teenagers want to same freedoms as you and I.  I do believe in absolute truths, and I'm not arguing for relativism.  However, I realize that sharing personal experience and allowing someone to disagree and question is an expression of love and respect for that person.  Giving someone freedom to disagree is usually more convincing that presenting the attitude that the other person MUST accept your ideas or they are ignorant or rebellious.

More to come...

Write or Wrong

Sometimes I think about writing and then all of these thoughts starts swirling through my head about topics that are heavy on my mind and heart.  I pick at one, look it over, and then try to grab another as it swims by.  Then I begin to think about the connections between the two thoughts and just as I'm about to have them nicely tied together, another thought begins to circle me.  I pick that one up too.  And another.  Oh, that reminds me... then another.  Before I know it I have all these thoughts that I'm trying desperately to hold onto and quickly try to place priority on the most important, relevant, and captivating thought.  I then realize that I'm holding on to far too many topics - connecting them all would be like trying to construct a symmetrical web out of a mess of tangled threads.  I decide that right now I just don't have time to sort through them all, isolate one, and present it in a way that is comprehensible.  With this realization I drop all the topics on my mind, realize there is now something else I need to be doing, and walk away resolving to come back and try again another day.

This is why my posts have month gaps between them.  This is why I have so much to say this morning but can not arrive at a starting point for I can't foresee a tidy ending. Any suggestions from my fellow blogger / writers out there?

Little Things Matter

The tender-hearted teenage boy longs for affirmation and a place of belonging as his peers ridicule him for his heightened maturity and sensitivity.  I place my hand on his shoulder and share with him that he is gifted as a silent leader, blessed with a quick conscience and a deep love for others.

I'm struck with doubt that my words and time will mean anything tomorrow.

You invited me into your home, looked me in the eye with sincere concern, and asked, "How's your courage my friend?"

I press forward and look UP.

A young woman turns to her drug again after a substantial period of sobriety and contemplates taking her life.  I pray for her and contact a friend who can relate requesting her to speak with with the discouraged woman.

I question whether anything I did will help.

You boxed up and set aside a lunch for me today when you noticed I was held up in a work meeting.

I press forward and look UP.

The 8-year old boy with a brain tumor needs words of hope as he counts down his days on one hand.  I pray with a group of others telling God that I do not understand his ways and request a miracle.

I feel discouraged and angry.

You noticed I was stressed and prayed that I would find peace today.

I press forward and look UP.

A young man grows discouraged as he feels he doesn't quite measure up to draw the attention of the girl he loves.  I smile with empathy and assured him that he has a lot to offer the right woman at the right time.

I grow distracted wondering if I could believe such counsel.

You invite me for a walk and point out the beauty surrounding us.

I press forward and look UP.

The charitable couple passionately dedicate their lives to serving others while feeling torn as their own family suffers a deficit of time, money, and energy.  I tell them what an inspiration they are and plan a special dinner.

I wonder whether a person can give too much, questioning the value of service.

You baked fresh cookies and told me that you need my help eating them.

I press forward and look UP.

A beautiful young woman struggles to believe that anyone could love her unconditionally after numerous scaring relationships.  I  attempt to assure her that she is a dear friend that is greatly loved by many.

I feel sick thinking of how I may have scared others and fear that my loving words have fallen cheap.

You sent me a text today saying that you miss me and are have been thinking about me.

I press forward and look UP.

Pivot Point Appology

Have you ever had a day that you look in the mirror with disgust at what you see?  A moment you're punched in the gut with the reality that you are not the person you want to be?  Perhaps painfully pricked with the notion that what you hate most really resides within your own members?

Today I found myself caught up in a bitter bought of loneliness with a feeling of dissatisfaction I could not shake.  I was feeling dissatisfied with my co-workers, my friends, my family, my relationships in general.  Basically feeling, "Why is no one in my life what I need and want them to be."  I found myself thirsting for meaningful companionship but feeling as if it lay beyond my grasp.  After wasting nearly an hour alone in my room consulting my Facebook friend index with a red-eyed squint at a feeble attempt to connect with others, I vented my frustrations to Google with the following lamentation, "I feel like I am being challenged by no one."  At first glance, it appeared Google completely missed my point and was going to be of little help with the off-topic search results.  However one result loomed off the page and I hesitantly clicked and read...

Narcissistic Relationships: Perils of Loving a Narcissist - PsychAlive

Following this reading, I was struck with a gruesome and vividly clear picture - I quite possible have narcissistic tenancies.  No, I DO have narcissistic tendencies.  Maybe I have avoided showing it's ugly head to some, but there's no hiding our defects from ourselves.  This realization first caused me some fist pounding frustration, then some somber contemplation, and finally, an inspiring resolution - I am going to do all I can to break free from these self-focused, life sucking, people pounding ways of thinking and behaving.  My first step to escape is clear - an apology.  I believe formulated apologies are cheap unless followed with action.  So my hope is formulate an authentic apology here and begin to take steps of action to back it up.

To all my dear friends, family, and co-workers:

There have been times that I treated many of you unfairly, acting as if my own thoughts, feelings, and agenda were more important than your own.  Many times I have been so obsessed with trying to do things well and be the best, that I have had little energy left to direct towards your words, accomplishments, and ambitions.  I have been unfairly critical of myself and have transferred this critical attitude upon you and our relationship.  I have come to you in times of need, frustrated that you could not provide me the affirmation and justification for my own inflated sense of self-importance.  I have often shown you the most love when you were fulfilling a personal need I was carrying, and have been flippant with you when my needs were being met elsewhere.  On several occasions I may have left you feeling poor about yourself by failing to see you for you and responding in love and empathy.  As a result, I regrettably have missed experiencing the full depth of who you are and seeing clearly all that you have to offer.  I was wrong, and I ask for your forgiveness and honest communication with me if you should feel me responding to you in such a way again.  

It not my intent to be over dramatic and I'm sure people will read this who need not and people who need to read it may miss it.  However, I know the first step to change is getting honest with myself and this is my expression of doing so.  I do not loath myself so please do not feel sorrow for me or worry about my sense of self-worth.  I know that I belong to a loving God who takes me as I am - defects and all.  I commit to taking myself and the people in my life in the same manner. 

I feel this has been a bit of a heavy post - next time I think I will have to document something simple and trite from my life...perhaps a musing on pocket lint...  ;)

Power Struggles

Sitting at home sick eating hot soup and watching a movie.  Work phone begins to ring.

-RING, RING
"Hello, this is Jason."
"I know you're out driving around so come get me from school."
"Jake, what do you need me to get you from school for?"
"I'm out.  The school day is over."
"Okay... why are you callling me to pick you up."
"Because we're meeting today and I want you to get me from school so I don't have to walk home."
"Well Jake, I'm home sick and we will not be meeing today."
"Oh, uh, well, it's whatever." -CLICK


Talking with an older man later this evening, discussing how to fix an ant infestation...

He begins -
"Sugar doesn't actually work to attract ants, they just go around it."
"Well if you use fake sugar, like Sweet n' Low, it will take care of them.  They eat it and it poisons them."
"I don't think so.  They actually don't like sugar."
"Oh, well maybe it depends on the type of ants.  I worked maintenance at a camp and that is what we used to take care of them.  We put Sweet n' Low packets all over and it took care of them within a day's time.  It was pretty cool!"
"That's because they just went around it."

I walk away, smiling as I recall vaccuming up piles of dead ants following the Sweet n' Low treatment.


Why do people get into power struggles?  A lack of personal value.  If I do not value myself already, I must prove my value and worth by attempting to dominate others and have power over them.  I'm sure at times when I feel low, insecure and hurt I have been guilty of initiating a power struggle.  To be honest though, most days I see very little motivation in attempting to overpower another for the sake of an ego boost.  It makes me feel like a 5 year old.  Yet another reason I have to be greatful that I have a God who places great value upon me that no one can take away.

The best way I have learned to deal with power struggles with others who are intitiating them?  Don't participate, walk away, end the conversation, move on.  A struggle only exists when two people are pulling against eachother.

Just a thought I had to put out there.