Just two days ago I was telling a friend that if I don't get into PA school this year, I will reapply the following year. I want this for many good reasons and I'm going to remain determined to get there. Decisive. Clear. We all admire decisiveness and clarity - it gives a sense of stability and concreteness to our own hidden and vulnerable sense of doubt and uncertainty. The last couple years of my life have been full of attempting to find the delicate balance between embracing my own questioning and doubts while still having legs to stand on and move forward with. I made it my birthday resolution (I do one each year instead of several at New Years) to embrace the ethic of decisiveness and follow through - an effort to regain my own rapidly eroding sense of direction. Three things I chose to serve as the weights in my gym of decisiveness - dating, career, and spiritual family.
From the outside perspective - I've pulled it off. Since my birthday in May... I went on a few dates and pursued only one inconspicuous relationship, I've kept my medical job and continued diligently in school working towards PA grad school, and I've remained invested in my spiritual family attending meetings regularly every week (unless the prior two commitments conflicted). Congrats to me - I've fooled the outsiders. But to you... those who know me best, I ain't fooling nobody!
I could write for hours about how my emotions and thoughts attached to dating and relationships have shifted and cycled on the daily - like riding in the hammerhead at the fairgrounds, leaving your stomach in knots. We could head over to the tilt-a-whirl and discuss the nauseating cycles relating to my inner satisfaction and contentment levels with my spiritual family. I'll withhold from all that for now and instead jump on the Excalibur of my career pursuits.
In 2010, I decided to forsake a career in medicine to pursue my deepest passions - supporting youth and playing in the wilderness. In five years, I had bounced through 6 different jobs that had some predictably common variables - low pay, long hours, high stress. I wanted, but failed, to find an organization that did three central things:
1) Develop REAL relationships with the staff and youth
2) Empower the staff and the youth
3) Never give up on an enduring commitment to support the staff and youth
Finally I threw my hands up and said if I can't find such a program, I'll make one! It didn't take long to realize that I lacked two very important things to make such a vision a reality - money and the support of a counterpart/partner/spouse. So what did I do? I reached for both. I found the one I would partner with and returned to school. That relationship ended in flames of rejection that burned the "I give a shit about what others think" right out of my soul. Additionally despite my die-hard commitment to academia and a thriving GPA, I've faced rejection from 4 graduate programs and am staring down the barrel of my final chance for this year's cycle. I'm not alone - PA school is extremely competitive and the percent that get in on their first application cycle is dismally low. Nonetheless, it causes me to pause and ask myself, "Is this REALLY what you want?"
The medical field is lucrative, poses a fantastic way to meet a legitimate need, and the science is truly fascinating. If I'm honest, for me it's all of that -but the biggest reason is so I can get back to my deepest passions: supporting neglected youth and hanging in nature. If I get accepted this year I'll be looking at 2-3 more years for school, and 3-4 years for paying off the bulk of debt. Six years and I'll have some time and money to invest in my passions. Not too bad....right?
Last summer I turned down a dream job guiding struggling youth through wilderness adventures with an incredible friend. This summer I'm turning down a different job as a park ranger and adventure guide at another youth camp. Why? For school. To remain decisive and committed. To work towards long-term goals rather than the extreme temptation for immediate satisfaction.
Should I continue down the road of responsible commitment towards the medical profession in the hopes that someday I'll have the means to do what I'm most eager to accomplish? Should I just forfeit the whole thing and keep searching for the job that meets my passions and supports my missional values? Should I start a non-profit, embrace philanthropy, and start my own program as a single guy? What if....what if... the answer is the same no matter what career path I take. What if the commitment to these goals or lack there of isn't even the most important way to achieve them? I'm not going to tidy the complexity of this article up into a nice feel good ending. Many of us struggle to find the balance of pursuing our greatest passions boldly and fervently with living responsibly and practically. We struggle to identify our deepest passions and then when we find them we struggle at how to attain their fulfillment. Just as it's a journey to figure out what kind of relationship we want and then struggle to find it. No easy answers here. But maybe the true answer is found in the right question...
I have a passion for neglected youth because too many youth are neglected. I have a passion for nature because it brings peace in a world of chaos. This warrants THE question worth asking, "How do I grow in giving peace and loving relationship in my everyday life?" This is an outside-in-inside-out process. Receive it, experience it, give it. Questions of career, relationship status, and even spiritual group become much less important here. This is where the carnival ride tickets are useless. Yeah, it's a lot more manly to talk about the virtues of decisive bold actions of conquest with an unquestioning commitment. I don't care that my culture defines a man who talks about peace and love as a weak hippie. I want to practice and learn how to produce peace and love with our words and hands on the daily. I decisively choose to let the creation of peace and love be my focus. These are my two legs that I move forward on. I have a LOT to learn about reflecting peace and love to those around me. This is the highest education, the ultimate discovery, the ride that leaves you feeling better than when you got on.
