I have searched long and hard for how to reach out to a youth in a way that will make a lasting difference in his or her life. I've met many people with a similar desire who try to connect yet feel they are pushed away or rejected in their efforts - teachers, parents, pastors... people who have a genuine desire to leave a lasting impact in a young person's life yet feel that they lack the skill or knowledge to do so. Through my education, job exerience, and a fair share of blunders, I believe I have learned the key elements to accomplishing this. The best part is - it's very simple and even enjoyable. I believe we can over complicate this so much! We don't have to know about the latest video games, have a psychology degree, or a ton of experience working with youth. I share this not as an expert or a superior in the realm of psychology or youth outreach. I share it as a young man with a deep and persistent burden to reach out to our youth and a fierce commitment to making this my life work. Before I share, here a brief background on my experiences:
I have worked with numerous and diverse groups of teens in the past 4 years and feel that these experiences have taught me some significant lessons. I graduated from Union College in 2011 with a degree in IRR: Human Services and Counseling. Since then I have worked with inner-city youth in Nebraska with Outward Bound Omaha, school groups at Camp Wawona in Yosemite National Park, foster youth at Meramec Adventure Learning Ranch in Missouri, juvenile offenders with CEDARS in Lincoln, NE, and now I work as an assistant boys dean at DayStar Adventist Academy in Moab, Utah. I have also mentored youth through Big Brothers Big Sisters, Teammates, and church youth groups. I have never had my own kids - biological or adopted. Until I do there are many aspects of parenthood I will never fully grasp. I have great
respect for those of you that have taken this responsibility on, especially those who have committed themselves to a child who is not your own!
So here are my thoughts organized into a three part acronym called D.E.N. I will highlight the first letter "D" here and share the rest in a future post. "D" stands for Developing a Real-ationship (or real relationship). Stop and think about what relationships in your life mean the most to you and why. Seriously, stop for a minute and really reflect on this, maybe even write it down before continuing here....
Okay, I'm going to guess that, like me, the most profound and meaningful relationships in your life have the following characteristics -
1) The person has taken time to get to know who you really are. They have taken an interest in your interests. They have asked questions to learn about your life, thoughts, goals, and opinions.
2) Your relationship has an element of fun. You can laugh together and play together. You have shared interests and are able to table the deep discussions and just take time to enjoy being in each others presence.
3) You feel your differences are seen and accepted. Sure you both may not agree on your music tastes, political views, or which team is going to win the Superbowl. It doesn't matter. The point is not to be replicas of one another but to respect each others individuality and find humor in the differences.
Now we translate each of these into our relationships with the youth -
1) Am I taking time to get to know who he/she really is? Sure, he probably will not open up to me about his deepest feelings and thoughts at first but would I? I must take time to establish trust and show interest in getting to know the young person. Too often we are tempted to rush in and throw all kinds of advice and instruction at a teenager before any relationship is built! I need to take time to just ask questions and listen without throwing in all my percieved wisdom and counsel. I know this is hard for many good-intentioned adults and is personally one of my biggest struggles in relating. It is essential though to build trust! I can speak the wisdom straight from God but if there is no relationship built it will fall on empty ears. If I discover he skate boards, I can ask to attend one of his competitions and cheer him on. I could even ask him to teach me how (at the risk of looking like a fool as I kick the board out in front of me time and again fallling on my rear...). I can also find something unique about him or her and turn it into an affirming nickname... probably not pinhead, boy of marshmellow, or pooper - I think only my dad could get away with this.
2) Enjoy the relationship! I must take time for us to have fun together and let myself be a kid again. This is the best part of working with youth! As adults we can become too serious and forget how to laugh and play - let them remind us. I've heard some folks balk at this stating that they are seeking to be a mentor and guide - not the best friend. It's true, we have to set appropriate boundaries at times and we ocassionally have to act as an authority in their lives. However, I have ALWAYS found that a youth respects an adult MORE if the adult has taken time to develop a real meaningful relationship through playing. The head dean I work with at DayStar recently had a discussion with the boys after they all decided to invest in Nerf guns to have dorm wars in the evenings. He sat them all down and said sternly, "These Nerf guns are not to become a distraction from the main reason you're here and interfere with your evening responsibilities. If they do, it will be end of Nerf guns in the dorm. Now, with that said, you better get ready cause I got myself a Nerf gun today and the war is on!"
3) Lets be honest - most of us adults come at youth with a motive to help shape them into the young man or woman that we think they should be. Is this the same way we build healthy and lasting friendships with our peers? While it is okay and important that I mentor and guide the youth by sharing my experiences, knowledge, and opinions - I MUST remember, they are MY experiences and opinions! No matter how much of an inside track I feel that I have to life's secrets and greatest truths, I need to remember that I can not effectively guide someone by telling them that my beliefs need to become theirs. I have NEVER seen this approach work with anyone of any age and it certainly does not work for me. I must give them space to question and disagree. When I hear an opinion I want evidence (usually shown by actions), I want to hear personal experiences, and then be FREE to DECIDE for myself. Teenagers want to same freedoms as you and I. I do believe in absolute truths, and I'm not arguing for relativism. However, I realize that sharing personal experience and allowing someone to disagree and question is an expression of love and respect for that person. Giving someone freedom to disagree is usually more convincing that presenting the attitude that the other person MUST accept your ideas or they are ignorant or rebellious.
More to come...
