Today I found myself caught up in a bitter bought of loneliness with a feeling of dissatisfaction I could not shake. I was feeling dissatisfied with my co-workers, my friends, my family, my relationships in general. Basically feeling, "Why is no one in my life what I need and want them to be." I found myself thirsting for meaningful companionship but feeling as if it lay beyond my grasp. After wasting nearly an hour alone in my room consulting my Facebook friend index with a red-eyed squint at a feeble attempt to connect with others, I vented my frustrations to Google with the following lamentation, "I feel like I am being challenged by no one." At first glance, it appeared Google completely missed my point and was going to be of little help with the off-topic search results. However one result loomed off the page and I hesitantly clicked and read...
Narcissistic Relationships: Perils of Loving a Narcissist - PsychAlive
Following this reading, I was struck with a gruesome and vividly clear picture - I quite possible have narcissistic tenancies. No, I DO have narcissistic tendencies. Maybe I have avoided showing it's ugly head to some, but there's no hiding our defects from ourselves. This realization first caused me some fist pounding frustration, then some somber contemplation, and finally, an inspiring resolution - I am going to do all I can to break free from these self-focused, life sucking, people pounding ways of thinking and behaving. My first step to escape is clear - an apology. I believe formulated apologies are cheap unless followed with action. So my hope is formulate an authentic apology here and begin to take steps of action to back it up.
To all my dear friends, family, and co-workers:
There have been times that I treated many of you unfairly, acting as if my own thoughts, feelings, and agenda were more important than your own. Many times I have been so obsessed with trying to do things well and be the best, that I have had little energy left to direct towards your words, accomplishments, and ambitions. I have been unfairly critical of myself and have transferred this critical attitude upon you and our relationship. I have come to you in times of need, frustrated that you could not provide me the affirmation and justification for my own inflated sense of self-importance. I have often shown you the most love when you were fulfilling a personal need I was carrying, and have been flippant with you when my needs were being met elsewhere. On several occasions I may have left you feeling poor about yourself by failing to see you for you and responding in love and empathy. As a result, I regrettably have missed experiencing the full depth of who you are and seeing clearly all that you have to offer. I was wrong, and I ask for your forgiveness and honest communication with me if you should feel me responding to you in such a way again.
It not my intent to be over dramatic and I'm sure people will read this who need not and people who need to read it may miss it. However, I know the first step to change is getting honest with myself and this is my expression of doing so. I do not loath myself so please do not feel sorrow for me or worry about my sense of self-worth. I know that I belong to a loving God who takes me as I am - defects and all. I commit to taking myself and the people in my life in the same manner.
I feel this has been a bit of a heavy post - next time I think I will have to document something simple and trite from my life...perhaps a musing on pocket lint... ;)
