Develop a REAL-ationship

I have searched long and hard for how to reach out to a youth in a way that will make a lasting difference in his or her life.  I've met many people with a similar desire who try to connect yet feel they are pushed away or rejected in their efforts - teachers, parents, pastors... people who have a genuine desire to leave a lasting impact in a young person's life yet feel that they lack the skill or knowledge to do so.  Through my education, job exerience, and a fair share of blunders, I believe I have learned the key elements to accomplishing this.  The best part is - it's very simple and even enjoyable.  I believe we can over complicate this so much!  We don't have to know about the latest video games, have a psychology degree, or a ton of experience working with youth.  I share this not as an expert or a superior in the realm of psychology or youth outreach.  I share it as a young man with a deep and persistent burden to reach out to our youth and a fierce commitment to making this my life work.  Before I share, here a brief background on my experiences:

I have worked with numerous and diverse groups of teens in the past 4 years and feel that these experiences have taught me some significant lessons.  I graduated from Union College in 2011 with a degree in IRR: Human Services and Counseling.  Since then I have worked with inner-city youth in Nebraska with Outward Bound Omaha, school groups at Camp Wawona in Yosemite National Park, foster youth at Meramec Adventure Learning Ranch in Missouri, juvenile offenders with CEDARS in Lincoln, NE, and now I work as an assistant boys dean at DayStar Adventist Academy in Moab, Utah.  I have also mentored youth through Big Brothers Big Sisters, Teammates, and church youth groups.  I have never had my own kids - biological or adopted.  Until I do there are many aspects of parenthood I will never fully grasp.  I have great respect for those of you that have taken this responsibility on, especially those who have committed themselves to a child who is not your own!

So here are my thoughts organized into a three part acronym called D.E.N.  I will highlight the first letter "D" here and share the rest in a future post.  "D" stands for Developing a Real-ationship (or real relationship).  Stop and think about what relationships in your life mean the most to you and why.  Seriously, stop for a minute and really reflect on this, maybe even write it down before continuing here....

Okay, I'm going to guess that, like me, the most profound and meaningful relationships in your life have the following characteristics -

1)  The person has taken time to get to know who you really are.  They have taken an interest in your interests.  They have asked questions to learn about your life, thoughts, goals, and opinions.

2)  Your relationship has an element of fun.  You can laugh together and play together.  You have shared interests and are able to table the deep discussions and just take time to enjoy being in each others presence.

3)  You feel your differences are seen and accepted.  Sure you both may not agree on your music tastes, political views, or which team is going to win the Superbowl.  It doesn't matter.  The point is not to be replicas of one another but to respect each others individuality and find humor in the differences.

Now we translate each of these into our relationships with the youth -

1)  Am I taking time to get to know who he/she really is?  Sure, he probably will not open up to me about his deepest feelings and thoughts at first but would I?  I must take time to establish trust and show interest in getting to know the young person.  Too often we are tempted to rush in and throw all kinds of advice and instruction at a teenager before any relationship is built!  I need to take time to just ask questions and listen without throwing in all my percieved wisdom and counsel.  I know this is hard for many good-intentioned adults and is personally one of my biggest struggles in relating.  It is essential though to build trust!  I can speak the wisdom straight from God but if there is no relationship built it will fall on empty ears.  If I discover he skate boards, I can ask to attend one of his competitions and cheer him on.  I could even ask him to teach me how (at the risk of looking like a fool as I kick the board out in front of me time and again fallling on my rear...).  I can also find something unique about him or her and turn it into an affirming nickname... probably not pinhead, boy of marshmellow, or pooper - I think only my dad could get away with this.

2)  Enjoy the relationship!  I must take time for us to have fun together and let myself be a kid again.  This is the best part of working with youth!  As adults we can become too serious and forget how to laugh and play - let them remind us.  I've heard some folks balk at this stating that they are seeking to be a mentor and guide - not the best friend.  It's true, we have to set appropriate boundaries at times and we ocassionally have to act as an authority in their lives.  However, I have ALWAYS found that a youth respects an adult MORE if the adult has taken time to develop a real meaningful relationship through playing.  The head dean I work with at DayStar recently had a discussion with the boys after they all decided to invest in Nerf guns to have dorm wars in the evenings.  He sat them all down and said sternly, "These Nerf guns are not to become a distraction from the main reason you're here and interfere with your evening responsibilities.  If they do, it will be end of Nerf guns in the dorm.  Now, with that said, you better get ready cause I got myself a Nerf gun today and the war is on!"

3)  Lets be honest - most of us adults come at youth with a motive to help shape them into the young man or woman that we think they should be.  Is this the same way we build healthy and lasting friendships with our peers?  While it is okay and important that I mentor and guide the youth by sharing my experiences, knowledge, and opinions - I MUST remember, they are MY experiences and opinions!  No matter how much of an inside track I feel that I have to life's secrets and greatest truths, I need to remember that I can not effectively guide someone by telling them that my beliefs need to become theirs.  I have NEVER seen this approach work with anyone of any age and it certainly does not work for me.  I must give them space to question and disagree.  When I hear an opinion I want evidence (usually shown by actions), I want to hear personal experiences, and then be FREE to DECIDE for myself.  Teenagers want to same freedoms as you and I.  I do believe in absolute truths, and I'm not arguing for relativism.  However, I realize that sharing personal experience and allowing someone to disagree and question is an expression of love and respect for that person.  Giving someone freedom to disagree is usually more convincing that presenting the attitude that the other person MUST accept your ideas or they are ignorant or rebellious.

More to come...

Write or Wrong

Sometimes I think about writing and then all of these thoughts starts swirling through my head about topics that are heavy on my mind and heart.  I pick at one, look it over, and then try to grab another as it swims by.  Then I begin to think about the connections between the two thoughts and just as I'm about to have them nicely tied together, another thought begins to circle me.  I pick that one up too.  And another.  Oh, that reminds me... then another.  Before I know it I have all these thoughts that I'm trying desperately to hold onto and quickly try to place priority on the most important, relevant, and captivating thought.  I then realize that I'm holding on to far too many topics - connecting them all would be like trying to construct a symmetrical web out of a mess of tangled threads.  I decide that right now I just don't have time to sort through them all, isolate one, and present it in a way that is comprehensible.  With this realization I drop all the topics on my mind, realize there is now something else I need to be doing, and walk away resolving to come back and try again another day.

This is why my posts have month gaps between them.  This is why I have so much to say this morning but can not arrive at a starting point for I can't foresee a tidy ending. Any suggestions from my fellow blogger / writers out there?

Little Things Matter

The tender-hearted teenage boy longs for affirmation and a place of belonging as his peers ridicule him for his heightened maturity and sensitivity.  I place my hand on his shoulder and share with him that he is gifted as a silent leader, blessed with a quick conscience and a deep love for others.

I'm struck with doubt that my words and time will mean anything tomorrow.

You invited me into your home, looked me in the eye with sincere concern, and asked, "How's your courage my friend?"

I press forward and look UP.

A young woman turns to her drug again after a substantial period of sobriety and contemplates taking her life.  I pray for her and contact a friend who can relate requesting her to speak with with the discouraged woman.

I question whether anything I did will help.

You boxed up and set aside a lunch for me today when you noticed I was held up in a work meeting.

I press forward and look UP.

The 8-year old boy with a brain tumor needs words of hope as he counts down his days on one hand.  I pray with a group of others telling God that I do not understand his ways and request a miracle.

I feel discouraged and angry.

You noticed I was stressed and prayed that I would find peace today.

I press forward and look UP.

A young man grows discouraged as he feels he doesn't quite measure up to draw the attention of the girl he loves.  I smile with empathy and assured him that he has a lot to offer the right woman at the right time.

I grow distracted wondering if I could believe such counsel.

You invite me for a walk and point out the beauty surrounding us.

I press forward and look UP.

The charitable couple passionately dedicate their lives to serving others while feeling torn as their own family suffers a deficit of time, money, and energy.  I tell them what an inspiration they are and plan a special dinner.

I wonder whether a person can give too much, questioning the value of service.

You baked fresh cookies and told me that you need my help eating them.

I press forward and look UP.

A beautiful young woman struggles to believe that anyone could love her unconditionally after numerous scaring relationships.  I  attempt to assure her that she is a dear friend that is greatly loved by many.

I feel sick thinking of how I may have scared others and fear that my loving words have fallen cheap.

You sent me a text today saying that you miss me and are have been thinking about me.

I press forward and look UP.

Pivot Point Appology

Have you ever had a day that you look in the mirror with disgust at what you see?  A moment you're punched in the gut with the reality that you are not the person you want to be?  Perhaps painfully pricked with the notion that what you hate most really resides within your own members?

Today I found myself caught up in a bitter bought of loneliness with a feeling of dissatisfaction I could not shake.  I was feeling dissatisfied with my co-workers, my friends, my family, my relationships in general.  Basically feeling, "Why is no one in my life what I need and want them to be."  I found myself thirsting for meaningful companionship but feeling as if it lay beyond my grasp.  After wasting nearly an hour alone in my room consulting my Facebook friend index with a red-eyed squint at a feeble attempt to connect with others, I vented my frustrations to Google with the following lamentation, "I feel like I am being challenged by no one."  At first glance, it appeared Google completely missed my point and was going to be of little help with the off-topic search results.  However one result loomed off the page and I hesitantly clicked and read...

Narcissistic Relationships: Perils of Loving a Narcissist - PsychAlive

Following this reading, I was struck with a gruesome and vividly clear picture - I quite possible have narcissistic tenancies.  No, I DO have narcissistic tendencies.  Maybe I have avoided showing it's ugly head to some, but there's no hiding our defects from ourselves.  This realization first caused me some fist pounding frustration, then some somber contemplation, and finally, an inspiring resolution - I am going to do all I can to break free from these self-focused, life sucking, people pounding ways of thinking and behaving.  My first step to escape is clear - an apology.  I believe formulated apologies are cheap unless followed with action.  So my hope is formulate an authentic apology here and begin to take steps of action to back it up.

To all my dear friends, family, and co-workers:

There have been times that I treated many of you unfairly, acting as if my own thoughts, feelings, and agenda were more important than your own.  Many times I have been so obsessed with trying to do things well and be the best, that I have had little energy left to direct towards your words, accomplishments, and ambitions.  I have been unfairly critical of myself and have transferred this critical attitude upon you and our relationship.  I have come to you in times of need, frustrated that you could not provide me the affirmation and justification for my own inflated sense of self-importance.  I have often shown you the most love when you were fulfilling a personal need I was carrying, and have been flippant with you when my needs were being met elsewhere.  On several occasions I may have left you feeling poor about yourself by failing to see you for you and responding in love and empathy.  As a result, I regrettably have missed experiencing the full depth of who you are and seeing clearly all that you have to offer.  I was wrong, and I ask for your forgiveness and honest communication with me if you should feel me responding to you in such a way again.  

It not my intent to be over dramatic and I'm sure people will read this who need not and people who need to read it may miss it.  However, I know the first step to change is getting honest with myself and this is my expression of doing so.  I do not loath myself so please do not feel sorrow for me or worry about my sense of self-worth.  I know that I belong to a loving God who takes me as I am - defects and all.  I commit to taking myself and the people in my life in the same manner. 

I feel this has been a bit of a heavy post - next time I think I will have to document something simple and trite from my life...perhaps a musing on pocket lint...  ;)