Today I had a discussion with a good friend who shared the previous account with me. She had just finished watching the new movie, "Courageous" with a group of guys and wanted to survey how many of her friends had fathers who provided their sons with engaging and affirming mentorship. The response was scary.
I have found responses to be very similar around me. So many of us guys are drifting into manhood with deep-seeded questions tugging on our souls, "What does it truly mean to be a man? When do I become a man and what does the process entail? Do I have what it takes to be a good boyfriend, husband, father? Meanwhile, girls around us are asking, "Where are the REAL MEN that propel me to feel like a REAL WOMAN? " and fatherless boys are pleading, "Who will show me the way?"
We are reaching a crisis. Some will say that I'm overreacting and shouting Armageddon, for the question of manhood and identity are as old as mankind. However, you have to be truly blind to miss that somethings are rapidly deescalating. Divorce rates are climbing higher than ever, fatherless homes are significantly becoming more common place, men are spending less time together and more with their computers, and employers are rapidly balding in their search for reliable men.
Manhood has a lot more to do with character than it does with life situation, age or development. The movie "Courageous" wonderfully depicts what the transfer into manhood entails: Active engagement in the lives of others, living with a sense of mission and purpose, personal sacrifice, honorably upholding golden principles of honesty and charity, and leading by way of love in action. Those qualities are easy to write but how easy are they to live? I find three great forces in the movie that allow us to fully embrace these qualities and step into priceless, authentic manhood.
1. Intentional Living
In Courageous, a man named Alex is shaken deeply into a greater sense of responsibility after his daughter is killed in a car accident. He proposes a written contract for himself to commit to living as a better husband, father, friend, and citizen. Alex brings the contract to his friends and asks them to hold him accountable to the standards and sign the document. One friend casually laughs and states, "Aren't you taking this a little too serious? I mean, you're doing good enough." Alex retorts with passion, "I don't want to be just good enough!" Alex grasped the concept that in order for him to make significant changes in his routine and relationships it was going to demand taking ACTION and being INTENTIONAL about implementing the changes he needed to make to become a better man. We can talk all day about what it means to be a great man but it will amount to nothing until practical steps are taken towards initiating the change. Good things don't come to those who wait...
2. Accountability and Brotherhood
I think us guys have a deranged tendency to believe that to seek out help and support is week and unnecessary. While I'm not suggesting that we all hook it up with the nearest shrink, I am discovering more and more the power of working together towards a common goal. We need other kick-azz dudes by our sides to hold us accountable for living up to the men of integrity we are seeking to become. Alex did not just create a list of goals, he brought that list to be "notarized" by a fellowship of men whom he respected. Such a brotherhood is not easy to come by but it is a search well worth the undertaking.
3. Admonition That a Greater Power is Needed
If I alone am trying to change myself and drawing strength only from within, I can expect one of two results - immediate failure and discouragement, or delayed failure and discouragement. I need One who has thoughts that are not my thoughts, ways that are not my ways. Doing things my way is what confines me and leaves me sickened with how self-centered I am. He is going to let me stumble around until I turn to Him and His ways for help. As a result, when I make progress and become a better man that draws respect, I have to give Him the credit. For without His high standard I would be lost, not knowing the way. Without His grace, I would be caught in discouragement at my failures. Without His strength I would give up. One of my favorite scriptures explains all God has to offer in my journey towards manhood, "For God has not given you a spirit of timidity and fear, but of power, love, and self-control." - 2 Timothy 1:7
There is much more that can be said on this topic and I am a far cry from being an expert man or understanding what truly being a great man is all about. For now, I am satisfied that discussion has been initiated on this important matter. Our fathers did the best they could and holding any resentments towards them does no one any good. I was blessed to have a loving father who was present in my life and intentional about making improvements upon how his father had raised him. In addition there are things that I hope to do differently. Generational cycles are by no means easy to shake - it demands a lot of intentional living, support from brothers, and power from God.
In case you need further convincing that this is an important topic:
Incarceration Rates. "Young men who grow up in homes without fathers are twice as likely to end up in jail as those who come from traditional two-parent families...those boys whose fathers were absent from the household had double the odds of being incarcerated -- even when other factors such as race, income, parent education and urban residence were held constant." (Cynthia Harper of the University of Pennsylvania and Sara S. McLanahan of Princeton University cited in "Father Absence and Youth Incarceration." Journal of Research on Adolescence 14 (September 2004): 369-397.)
Suicide. 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Bureau of the Census)
Behavioral Disorders. 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (United States Center for Disease Control)
High School Dropouts. 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes (National Principals Association Report on the State of HighSchools.)
Educational Attainment. Kids living in single-parent homes or in step-families report lower educational expectations on the part of their parents, less parental monitoring of school work, and less overall social supervision than children from intact families. (N.M. Astore and S. McLanahan, American Sociological Review, No. 56 (1991)
Juvenile Detention Rates. 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988)
Confused Identities. Boys who grow up in father-absent homes are more likely that those in father-present homes to have trouble establishing appropriate sex roles and gender identity.(P.L. Adams, J.R. Milner, and N.A. Schrepf, Fatherless Children, New York, Wiley Press, 1984).
Aggression. In a longitudinal study of 1,197 fourth-grade students, researchers observed "greater levels of aggression in boys from mother-only households than from boys in mother-father households." (N. Vaden-Kierman, N. Ialongo, J. Pearson, and S. Kellam, "Household Family Structure and Children's Aggressive Behavior: A Longitudinal Study of Urban Elementary School Children," Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 23, no. 5 (1995).
Achievement. Children from low-income, two-parent families outperform students from high-income, single-parent homes. Almost twice as many high achievers come from two-parent homes as one-parent homes. (One-Parent Families and Their Children, Charles F. Kettering Foundation, 1990).
Delinquency. Only 13 percent of juvenile delinquents come from families in which the biological mother and father are married to each other. By contract, 33 percent have parents who are either divorced or separated and 44 percent have parents who were never married. (Wisconsin Dept. of Health and Social Services, April 1994).
Criminal Activity. The likelihood that a young male will engage in criminal activity doubles if he is raised without a father and triples if he lives in a neighborhood with a high concentration of single-parent families. Source: A. Anne Hill, June O'Neill, Underclass Behaviors in the United States, CUNY, Baruch College. 1993
