Simplicity vs Adventure

I feel torn between worlds... not really living in either, but existing in a sort of mid-western limbo land.  I have one foot standing inside a door of adventure, travel, unpredictability, and conquest.  This is where I find myself contemplating joining the the Coast Guard, applying for jobs in other countries, or pursuing my medic license while enrolled in a police academy somewhere near Lake Tahoe.  I want adventure and physically demanding challenges.  People say, "this is the time in your life to do that!  Young, single, few commitments, go for it!"  I've already traveled and moved more in the last four years than many do in a lifetime.  It's held challenging, yet amazing experiences - I want more!  I want to explore the rest of the 24 states that I've never visited, try various jobs out while adding more diversity to my interests, and ever challenging myself to live outside of my comfort zone.   

Yet my other foot longs for a simple controlled life.  This involves commitment to 2 or 3 important things and the development of some sort of...dare I say...routine.  Currently I'm living in a small town of Lincoln, NE juggling applying for several full-time jobs while holding multiple part-time positions together in a precarious balance.  This involves constant paperwork, resumes, job interviews, cluttered and irregular calendar appointments,  and the constant feeling that I'm forgetting to do something important.  I want ONE good full-time job without thinking of applying for another.  Just one job to dedicate myself fully to and move up in my position and income.  I'm very attracted to the prospect of knowing when I will receive my next paycheck and what numbers will be on it.  Maybe I could actually create a budget!  Also, I want my own place.  Just a simple house/apt. that I can set things up the way I want them and live there for at least a full year.  You know, somewhere I can just throw my stuff where ever I want it and walk around in my underwear any time I want.  I can eat whatever is in the fridge without thinking, "Is this mine?  Wait... who's been drinking my juice!?"  I can get a bed that my whole body fits on... no feet hanging off the edge and awkwardly smashed against the wall.  And most importantly... I want to get a dog!    I'll wake up at my regular time and go work my regular hours and come home to find "Shadrack" waiting eagerly for his kibble as I argue with him over who gets to eat first.  Then we can go running together and feed off each others energy, competing to see who can keep their tongue off the pavement.  Yep, just me and Shadrack in or our own little shack in some small town.

Whichever direction the next year brings me... I will apply all my mental and spiritual fortitude to remain content in whatever situation I find myself.  

The Wonder of it All

I figit in the back pew as I contemplate quietly slipping out the back door and driving off.  I awoke early this morning and drove 40 mi to church, feeling the need for some spiritual wisdom and renewal.  However now I am beginning to question whether I have come to the right place.  I feel totally separated from God and sitting through this routine service seems to drift me further away.


I look around at the small congregation before me.  Far to my right sits an overweight girl in her late twenties who pushes away the hand of a conspicuous elder man who forcefully whispers (God know's what) into her ear.  The young lady's distant scowl deepens as her fingers swipe away at her smart phone.  In front of me sits a retired grey-haired trucker who reminisces with me about his wife.  I am sympathetic towards his loss but as the conversation progresses his breath begins to stink of self-centered arrogance.  Up front a domineering woman leads a group of uncomfortable militant children through a "fun" song to advertise for Vacation Bible School.  The substitute preacher, surrounded by an aura of timid defeat, stands in the back and nervously fiddles with his lapel mic.  A few pews away sits an eccentric teenage boy lifting his hands in prayer, apparently guiding himself through his own worship service. 


I shift in my seat prepared to dart out.  Instead I begin reprimanding myself for criticizing the people around me and feeling so little love for them.  After all, there is plenty that could be said about me.  My job seems to be turning me into a cynic. I see too many angry kids who have faced years of abuse and neglect at the hands of those who should love them most.  I find more and more deception - people who are not what they appear to be on the outside.  How am I to love rather than hate?  How am I to stay optimistic?  


My thoughts are interrupted as the people around me begin to stand with their hymnals for song service.  I grab the book tucked neatly into the pew in front of me and flip it open to our opening song, #75 - The Wonder of it All.  My heart is gripped by the words as we begin to sing...




There's the wonder of sunset at evening,
The wonder as sunrise I see;
But the wonder of wonders that thrills my soul
Is the wonder that God loves me.

O, the wonder of it all! The wonder of it all!
Just to think that God loves me.
O, the wonder of it all! The wonder of it all!
Just to think that God loves me.

There's the wonder of springtime and harvest,
The sky, the stars, the sun;
But the wonder of wonders that thrills my soul
Is a wonder that's only begun.


O, the wonder of it all! The wonder of it all!
Just to think that God loves me.
O, the wonder of it all! The wonder of it all!
Just to think that God loves me.




This is the wonderful truth that I have been forgetting.  God will bring His justice on those who purposely serve evil rather than Him and His goodness.  Yet, we are all deeply loved though we all are broken and not one fully deserves it.  The evil in you and the evil in me is not what defines us.  God loves the victim and the criminal (at times we all play both).  He sees us not for what we do, but for who we are created to be.  My role is not judge.  My role is to live daily serving good and truth rather than evil.  Our song service then closes with a prayer that leaves me feeling humbled and recharged... 

Father, lead me day by day,
Ever in Thine own sweet way;
Teach me to be pure and true;
Show me what I ought to do.

When in danger, make me brave;
Make me know that Thou canst save;
Keep me safe by Thy dear side;
Let me in Thy love abide.

When tempted to do wrong,
Make me steadfast, wise, and strong;
And when all alone I stand,
Shield me with Thy mighty hand.

May I do the good I know,
Be Thy loving child below,
Then at last go home to Thee,
Evermore Thy child to be.
   


#482 - Father, Lead Me Day by Day

Mountaintop Experience

Tonight I watched the sun sink below the horizon as I stood atop a peek overlooking the clouds.  It was perhaps one of the most fantastic spiritual experiences I have had in a long while.  The glowing orange sun spreads its warm colors atop pure while puffy clouds which grace the tops of the surrounding majestic Sierra Nevada peaks.  I hear nothing but the cool wind which makes my naked ears ache.  I welcome the chill, as I am too distracted by the surrounding beauty to care about such temporal discomfort.  I'm reminded of times past that I have experienced this soul bending peace which accompanies the panorama view from atop a peak, gazing down through patches of soft clouds at the vast rugged wilderness below.  I attempt to use lofty language not to please the reader, but to capture just a smidge of the associated feelings that grip me when I find myself standing atop a mountain.

Today I was able to reach this privileged view with minimal effort - a 20 minute drive followed by a short and steep half mile ascent.  Yet most often, such a privileged view comes only after hours of strenuous hiking through treacherous terrain.  I believe this is how it should be.  Such a reward should not come easy, for then it falls victim to simply becoming a "good photo opp."  In my experience,  it has been the things that I work hardest for that I appreciate and value the most.  Yet even after minimal effort to reach my perch, I find myself lost in wonder and consumed by emotion.  Similar to what I experience when comfortably fixed in my window seat, pressing my face against the 8 X 12 window to watch the city noise fade into a speck amidst a larger picture of untamed country.  What is it about the high places that capture my heart and soul?  Why is it that I feel most at peace in these precious moments where I am given a birds eye view of the world?

I don't know that I have absolute answers to these questions.  More and more I believe that true spiritual experiences hold mystery that cannot be scientifically rationalized or psychologically picked apart.  However, today I did some reflecting on these questions while descending from my mountaintop experience and I came to a satisfactory explanation.

First, all outside noise becomes irrelevant and lost - radio, chit-chat, videos, arguments, engines and horns, intellectual banter, mechanized conveniences, religious debate, the hum of artificial lighting, buzzing and ringing phones, the rattling of coins, banging of doors... all is replaced with a natural and real peace.  Secondly, inward noise is carried away with the wind - justifiable anger, worries of tomorrow, fear of yesterday, self-centered pride, self-doubting tapes, pressure to please, questions demanding for answers, unmet personal expectation, performance anxiety accompanied with perfectionism, loneliness, apathy... all are forgotten in this moment.  Finally, childlike wonder is unpacked from it's dusty box - peace embraces the unknown, a renewed trust in a Higher Power is found, acceptance comes easier, joy is placed in living, purpose is discovered,  imagination awakens, unexplainable laughter aroused, curiosity heightens.

From atop the peak, outside noise dissipates, inward noise is silenced, and childlike wonder is recaptured.

Oh, that I could live on that mountaintop... ;)

Simplicity

...is beautiful.

The "R" word

Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em!  In this instance, I'm not talking about girls.  Rather I speak of the paradox surrounding these useful yet dangerous tools known as routines.  A saying I developed during my Freshman year in college is "routine is a trap."  Lately however, I find myself thinking that I would do well to grasp the hand of routine once more.  In the past few years, every time she draws close I shoot her a distrusting look of disgust and push her away.  I reckon it's time that routine was given a fare trial.  Should I slip her in the noose for good or embrace her in welcoming arms?  With you, my blog readers as witnesses, I ask Routine to take the stand -

Routine, is it true that you seek to help people and improve their quality of life rather than insidiously slip your deceiving and confining tentacles around them?

Yes, I seek to give people structure and order, saving them from the head-ache of chaotic living.

Interesting.  Would you then say that life is naturally chaotic?

 Without people intentionally inviting me into their lives... yes.

So the world is naturally chaotic.  Sporadic disasters, broken systems of government and world powers, the random e-brake failure on my unattended truck... all prove that we live in a chaotic world.  Yet you give people the false belief that they have control over their lives.  How do you justify this illusive deception?

Simply because things happen out of our control does not mean that we have NO control over our lives.

Yet it is obvious that people build you into their lives obsessively!  Same job, same friends, same conversations, same modes of mindless entertainment, same ways of thinking, same way of washing in the shower, same parking spot at work, same desk is the classroom, same, same, SAME!  People grow so dependent upon you that when something chaotic happens, out of their control, they grow angry in confusion and fear.  We tend to fear what we do not understand and can not control.  Can you deny that many, if not most people use you out of fear?

I can not deny this.

Therefore you admit, you simply exist to give people a false sense of control to medicate their fear of an unpredictable reality?

No.  I admit that many people use me in unhealthy ways.  Most good things can be used in destructive ways contrary to their true purpose.

So what would you say is your so-called "good and true purpose?"

Well, let's take your own life for example.  You used to brush your teeth every morning and night religiously.  Also when you were a child you put your things away when you were done using them just as your parents taught you.  Now, you waste at least 15 minutes each day searching around your cluttered room for you wallet and keys, breathing a sigh of distress that inevitably reminds you that your oral hygiene has been neglected.

My own life? You want to talk about your role in my own life?!  When I gave you up, I gained so much more than good dentition!  I move from place to place traveling all over the US and the world.  I feel confined to no person or place.  Today I can enter difficult discussions and no longer dwell on the fact that I don't have the answer for everything.  I trust God.  I am free to grow and change daily. I am pursuing work that I love and doing what I am passionate about without being constrained to mere financial motivation.  I understand what it means to live an exciting life because I gave you up!  With you, Routine, I was nothing more than a good boy with a boring life.

You think you have given me up, but the reality is that you continue to use me.  You used me when you payed your credit card bills on time.  You used me when you punctually showed up to work today.  Even when you said a prayer this morning, I was there.  In fact, if you used me more - you would have clean clothes more often, you would exercise more consistently, you would be more successful in staying in touch with close friends and family, and you might even learn to play the guitar better!

Routine, you claim to be good and helpful.  Anyone can see that at times you are.  Yet you yourself admit that many people become obsessive with you.  You might cause order and help people accomplish their goals.  I give you that.  But you also keep people from stepping out of their comfort zones and accomplishing great things!  Can you be trusted?  We will leave it to the readers to decide your fate.  For now, this meeting is adjourned.  It's way past my regular bed time... 

Time to Man Up

I turned my attention to all of the young men in the room and asked, "So how many of you feel you had a good connection with your father?"  ... slowly the sheepish replies began to fill the silence - "Not me - Yeah, me neither - I sure didn't."  Some did not respond, however their silent downward gazes said enough...

Today I had a discussion with a good friend who shared the previous account with me.  She had just finished watching the new movie, "Courageous"  with a group of guys and wanted to survey how many of her friends had fathers who provided their sons with engaging and affirming mentorship. The response was scary.

I have found responses to be very similar around me.  So many of us guys are drifting into manhood with deep-seeded questions tugging on our souls, "What does it truly mean to be a man?  When do I become a man and what does the process entail?  Do I have what it takes to be a good boyfriend, husband, father?  Meanwhile, girls around us are asking,  "Where are the REAL MEN that propel me to feel like a REAL WOMAN? " and fatherless boys are pleading, "Who will show me the way?"

We are reaching a crisis.  Some will say that I'm overreacting and shouting Armageddon, for the question of manhood and identity are as old as mankind.  However, you have to be truly blind to miss that somethings are rapidly deescalating.  Divorce rates are climbing higher than ever, fatherless homes are significantly becoming more common place, men are spending less time together and more with their computers, and employers are rapidly balding in their search for reliable men.

Manhood has a lot more to do with character than it does with life situation, age or development.  The movie "Courageous" wonderfully depicts what the transfer into manhood entails:  Active engagement in the lives of others, living with a sense of mission and purpose, personal sacrifice, honorably upholding golden principles of honesty and charity, and leading by way of love in action.  Those qualities are easy to write but how easy are they to live?  I find three great forces in the movie that allow us to fully embrace these qualities and step into priceless, authentic manhood.

1.  Intentional Living


In Courageous, a man named Alex is shaken deeply into a greater sense of responsibility after his daughter is killed in a car accident.  He proposes a written contract for himself to commit to living as a better husband, father, friend, and citizen.  Alex brings the contract to his friends and asks them to hold him accountable to the standards and sign the document.  One friend casually laughs and states, "Aren't you taking this a little too serious?  I mean, you're doing good enough."  Alex retorts with passion, "I don't want to be just good enough!"  Alex grasped the concept that in order for him to make significant changes in his routine and relationships it was going to demand taking ACTION and being INTENTIONAL about implementing the changes he needed to make to become a better man.  We can talk all day about what it means to be a great man but it will amount to nothing until practical steps are taken towards initiating the change.  Good things don't come to those who wait...

2.  Accountability and Brotherhood

I think us guys have a deranged tendency to believe that to seek out help and support is week and unnecessary.  While I'm not suggesting that we all hook it up with the nearest shrink, I am discovering more and more the power of working together towards a common goal.  We need other kick-azz dudes by our sides to hold us accountable for living up to the men of integrity we are seeking to become.  Alex did not just create a list of goals, he brought that list to be "notarized" by a fellowship of men whom he respected.  Such a brotherhood is not easy to come by but it is a search well worth the undertaking.

3.  Admonition That a Greater Power is Needed


If I alone am trying to change myself and drawing strength only from within, I can expect one of two results - immediate failure and discouragement, or delayed failure and discouragement.  I need One who has thoughts that are not my thoughts, ways that are not my ways.  Doing things my way is what confines me and leaves me  sickened with how self-centered I am.  He is going to let me stumble around until I turn to Him and His ways for help.  As a result, when I make progress and become a better man that draws respect, I have to give Him the credit.  For without His high standard I would be lost, not knowing the way.  Without His grace, I would be caught in discouragement at my failures.  Without His strength I would give up.  One of my favorite scriptures explains all God has to offer in my journey towards manhood, "For God has not given you a spirit of timidity and fear, but of power, love, and self-control." - 2 Timothy 1:7

There is much more that can be said on this topic and I am a far cry from being an expert man or understanding what truly being a great man is all about.  For now, I am satisfied that discussion has been initiated on this important matter.  Our fathers did the best they could and holding any resentments towards them does no one any good.  I was blessed to have a loving father who was present in my life and intentional about making improvements upon how his father had raised him.  In addition there are things that I hope to do differently.  Generational cycles are by no means easy to shake - it demands a lot of intentional living, support from brothers, and power from God.


In case you need further convincing that this is an important topic:

Incarceration Rates. "Young men who grow up in homes without fathers are twice as likely to end up in jail as those who come from traditional two-parent families...those boys whose fathers were absent from the household had double the odds of being incarcerated -- even when other factors such as race, income, parent education and urban residence were held constant." (Cynthia Harper of the University of Pennsylvania and Sara S. McLanahan of Princeton University cited in "Father Absence and Youth Incarceration." Journal of Research on Adolescence 14 (September 2004): 369-397.)

Suicide. 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Bureau of the Census)

Behavioral Disorders. 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (United States Center for Disease Control)

High School Dropouts. 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes (National Principals Association Report on the State of HighSchools.)

Educational Attainment. Kids living in single-parent homes or in step-families report lower educational expectations on the part of their parents, less parental monitoring of school work, and less overall social supervision than children from intact families. (N.M. Astore and S. McLanahan, American Sociological Review, No. 56 (1991)

Juvenile Detention Rates. 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988)

Confused Identities. Boys who grow up in father-absent homes are more likely that those in father-present homes to have trouble establishing appropriate sex roles and gender identity.(P.L. Adams, J.R. Milner, and N.A. Schrepf, Fatherless Children, New York, Wiley Press, 1984).

Aggression. In a longitudinal study of 1,197 fourth-grade students, researchers observed "greater levels of aggression in boys from mother-only households than from boys in mother-father households." (N. Vaden-Kierman, N. Ialongo, J. Pearson, and S. Kellam, "Household Family Structure and Children's Aggressive Behavior: A Longitudinal Study of Urban Elementary School Children," Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 23, no. 5 (1995).

Achievement. Children from low-income, two-parent families outperform students from high-income, single-parent homes. Almost twice as many high achievers come from two-parent homes as one-parent homes. (One-Parent Families and Their Children, Charles F. Kettering Foundation, 1990).

Delinquency. Only 13 percent of juvenile delinquents come from families in which the biological mother and father are married to each other. By contract, 33 percent have parents who are either divorced or separated and 44 percent have parents who were never married. (Wisconsin Dept. of Health and Social Services, April 1994).

Criminal Activity. The likelihood that a young male will engage in criminal activity doubles if he is raised without a father and triples if he lives in a neighborhood with a high concentration of single-parent families. Source: A. Anne Hill, June O'Neill, Underclass Behaviors in the United States, CUNY, Baruch College. 1993

Epic Hike!

A tribute to an awesome day-hike in Yosemite National Park

ENOUGH - Part 2

What is it about me that is not enough for her?  I try to spend time with her, only asking that she gives me a chance.  She refuses, pushing me away.  We have had good times together before, good conversations, moments that felt so perfect.  Was this just my perception or did she feel it too?  How I have longed to be there for her - to hold and protect her, love her, cherish her.  She is so beautiful in my eyes - even with all of her weaknesses, imperfections, and insecurities.  If only she could see what I see in her - her great potential, worth, and talents.  If only she could feel a fraction of what I feel for her!  How can I pursue her with gentle love that she will understand and respond to?  I've tried... but failed.

Now, I can only wait patiently, hoping that one day she will give me a chance - a chance to share my love with her.  I will never attempt to force my love upon her!  For love is chosen.  I will always be here, always waiting and trusting that one day she will take my hand so we may walk through this world together.

..................................................................................................................................................................

Have you ever loved someone only to be rejected?  Maybe that first High School crush who wouldn't even give your pimple covered face a second look?  Or maybe that relationship that turned out too-good-to-be-true dropping you from your cloud onto the hard earth below?  I know I have.  Love and rejection are strong emotions.  Being in love can turn us into soft, tissue-blowing, watery-eyed, rose picking, teddy bears.  Rejection can turn us into a resentful, red-faced, insecure, distant, hard and impenetrable wall.  

How often do we stop and think about where these emotions originate from and why they can be so powerful?  Maybe God created more than just the physical world.  Imagine God experiencing these same emotions, speaking these same words, with you as His subject.  Go back and re-read that account of heartbreak replacing "her" with "you".  It's powerful.  

Yet God has thousands of years of experience in dealing with His intense love for us and our rejection of Him. I myself, continually in word and deed have expressed that He simply is not enough.  However, our responses to His love do not change Him.   He will forever be that gentleman of a God waiting for us - His true love, to respond with trusting vulnerability.